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Robot Chicken Quotations

Robot Chicken is a series on Adult Swim that uses stop motion animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based off of pop culture.

Contents

Season 1

Sweet J. Presents (Pilot) [1.0]

Junk in the Trunk [1.1]

George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message.
[Cut to a picture of a taco]
George Bush: Tacos rule.
Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan] And this is what your body goes through, but it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT ASS-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]
Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?! [hits herself off the building]

(channel flip to an orange Teletubbie-like character smoking a cigarette)

(The Autobots arrive at a dam where the Decepticons are doing their usual dirty work.)
Prowl: This is the spot! The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile Energon cubes.
(Starscream and Thundercracker are piling up Energon cubes against the dam as Megatron watches on.)
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and roll-- Whoa, hold on a second. (runs off to the bathroom, leaving Prowl, Jazz, and Mirage just standing there, then returns at the sound of a toilet flushing)
Prowl: Are you okay?
Optimus Prime: Let's get 'em!
(The Autobots open fire on the Decepticons, making the Energon cubes explode. Then Prime, Jazz, and Prowl start kicking Starscream while he's down. Later, back at Autobot Headquarters, Prowl and Ironhide are both having a shower, while Grimlock whips Bumblebee with a rolled-up towel.)
Optimus Prime: Good job everyone! (tosses Bumblebee a towel) Megatron was defeated with only 50 humans killed in the crossfire. A new record!
Autobots: Hooray!
(Prime runs into the bathroom.)
Ironhide: Hey, Prowl, have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays?
Prowl: Yeah! He must be French, because he's-a-peein'! (laughs)
Ironhide: I think that joke goes "You're-a-peein'."
Prowl: (laughs) But... I'm not.
Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon.
(The sound of passing water is heard from the bathroom.)
Optimus Prime: Uh-oh.
(Prime visits Dr. Ratchet at his medical clinic.)
Optimus Prime: I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem. But just today, I saw blood in my urine!
Ratchet: Ewww! Well, I'd better have a look. (shoves his gloved fist up Prime's prostate)
Optimus Prime: Ow! Whoa! Using the whole fist, Doc?
(Ratchet and Prime are now sitting in Ratchet's office discussing the test results.)
Ratchet: It's what I feared: prostate cancer, and it's advanced. I'm sorry Prime, but you're going to die.
(Prime is now laid out on a hospital bed, with a window view of the birds, which Swoop eats. Ironhide, Bumblebee, and Arcee visit Prime and give him flowers. Arcee cries and goes off with Ironhide to be comforted. Bumblebee tries to hold Prime's hand, but Prime just pulls it away to look at a signed photograph of Spike Witwicky and cry while holding it. Then, Prime dies, all the Autobots cry, and Prime transforms into a casket. We now cut back to Ratchet's medical clinic, where the 20th Anniversary Masterpiece Optimus Prime is sitting down in a chair talking to the audience.)
Optimus Prime: Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can.
Jazz: So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!
Voiceover: This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.
Human Torch: (getting a prostate examination) It, uh, it burns when I pee.
Optimus Prime: (pops into the scene) What did I just tell you?!
Man 1: I'm so hungry.
Man 2: Hi, Mr. Hungry, may I call you so? (pause, Man 1 punches Man 2 behind the couch)
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like some tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling, who's traveled all the way from China to visit... um... ah... I'm sorry, I just don't feel safe next to this animal.
Cameraman: It's completely harmless, Jerry.
Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that... ah... alright...
Cameraman: Still rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo... ah... when... Crap!
Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.
Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I... it's... fine. Fine!
Cameraman: Rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when-- [the panda leans over, bites Jerry's head off, and burps]
Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the Chinese. [audience laughs] There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County, but Bo and Luke had problems of their own!
Bloopers Host: Here's some rare footage from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon".
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika. Pika pi!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle!
Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squir-- What the f*** am I saying?! No, I mean it! This s*** makes no sense at all!
Pikachu: Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.
Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!

Nutcracker Sweet [1.2]

Commander Keith: We just got served, team!
Voltron Force: Voltron, represent!
News Anchor: And in other news tonight, Voltron got totally served!
Mouse: Daaamn!
Saucy McFoodlefist: Hey, Kool-Aid! [hits a baseball into the Kool-Aid man, cracking his pitcher and causing him to leak]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh, no!
Pennywise the Clown: Everything floats down here. That is, if its mass per unit of volume is equal to or lighter than that of water.

Gold Dust Gasoline [1.3]

Michael: Better use the turbo boost.
KITT: Michael, wait. I can only use my turbo boost once per episode.
Michael: Well, I'm using it.
[Michael pushes the turbo boost, and crashes into a bridge]
Speed Racer: [not making any movement] It's important that I do not move because if I were to move that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still that will be preferable to moving because animation costs money, uh-huh.
Robin: Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those policemen are pretty rude!
Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. [the cops from CHiPs moon Batman and Robin] Motherfucks.
Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I only believe in doing what's right.
Batman: If you don't want a bat-bitch slap, you'll launch the Batnet and take down those cops.
Robin: Oops...! [accidently launches a grappling hook that hit Ponch's face]
Ponch: Agghhh!!
Batman: Retract the line! Retract the line!
Robin: No, don't retract! Don't retract!
Ponch: Arrrgghh!!
Robin: Arrggghhh!! Get it off me!!!! Agghhh!! [Ponch's head lands on Robin's lap causing panic in the Batmobile eventualy making Batman crash]
Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?
Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.
Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart racer's ultimate weapon. It magically finds the lead car in the race, and takes it out. Wha-hah-hah-hah!
Dominic: You're more man than me, Headless Ponch.
Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim! [Dragon bites mermaid's head off]
Dragon: I hope you can also asexually reproduce, asshole.
Merman: Crap.

Plastic Buffet [1.4]

Narrator: The band's woes weren't limited to financial trouble.
Howard Stern: Come on, Tommy Lee's rich, he's good looking, it couldn't have been that bad.
Janice: Like, he gave me Hepatitis C. I only have five years to live!
Howard: You gonna show me those boobs?
Janice: F*** you, Howard! I'm dying!
Narrator: The band pinned their comeback on their Star Search Special, but no one could foresee the consequences for the band's most beloved member.
Ed McMahon: Oh-ho-ho, did you see that? The drummer looks like an epileptic ragdoll! Oh-ho-ho.
[Animal gets angry and kills Ed McMahon]
Narrator: After a long history of behavior problems the on-air attack of Ed McMahon was the last straw. The courts ruled that the band's drummer Animal be put down.
[Animal's still angry but calms down after being put down. Janice cries watching Animal being put down, being held by Floyd]
Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
Steven Tyler: I'm ready to rock! [vomits]
Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!
Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
[cut to a live action man]
Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I'm going to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...
Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fuck!!!
George W. Bush: Fuck!!!
Live Action Man: Now that sucks donkey dong.[the meteor destroys the Earth]

Toyz in the Hood [1.5]

Police officer 1: Freeze!
Dad: Freeze?! When I drop a fairy?! You know I'm only getting started, motherf--
Police officer 1: Hey, sir, put down the weapon! Put down the weap--
[The dad starts shooting until the police arrest him]
Police officer 1: Stay down!
Police officer 2: On the ground!
[Presidential Report Blooper starts]
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
[Blooper ends]
Bloopers Host: Oops.
Beastman:
[CSI Bloopers start with an operator getting surprised, not realizing that he cut himself]
Operator: [laughing] Oh, you guys! That was-- That was really fun-- [realizing] Oh, Jesus, I- I f***ing cut myself! It's really bad, it's deep! F***! Ow!
[another Blooper starts, this time with an already-covered victim and investigators on the scene]
Investigator: This bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place 10 meters west.
[the victim farts, and the investigators laugh]
Victim: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. [another fart] Sorry about that.
[We see Cobra Commander, Mumm-Ra, Skeletor, and Lex Luthor, together in a car, stuck in traffic]
'Cobra Commander: Don't let this car in! [The car goes in front of them] Wha..what..what are you doing?
'Skeletor': I have to, it's common courtesy!
Lex Luthor: This traffic is ridiculous. I knew I should've taken my teleporter to work today! I have a teleporter you know, I invented it myself.
Mumm-Ra: Blah blah blee blah! And yet every day you carpool with us!
Cobra: UGH! We're in the slowest lane! UGH! This minivan front of us is killing me! [Looks at the minivan, the bumper sticker reads MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT FANCHER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL] Oooh, "An honor student at the Fancher Elementary School, [He pulls out a tape recorder] Note to self: Blow up Fancher Elementary School!
[Later, they are still in traffic]
Cobra: Uhh! This....is...un...acceptable!
[Lex looks out the window, he sees two kids making faces at them, he makes a face back, they do one back, he does another one, they duck out of sight, Lex chuckles triumphantly, the kids pop back up, they put up a sign that reads YOU SMELL, Lex growls and fires his gun, blowing out their tires]
Mumm-Ra: You missed the kids.
[Later, they are still in traffic]
Skeletor: That was a good one, [Sighs]
Lex Luthor: What was a good... Oh!! [He covers his nose, the others do so and gag as Skeletor cackles]
Cobra: AH! UGH! AAAAAAAAAOOOOHH! AAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOHH! It's burning my eyes!
[Mumm-Ra tries to unlock the window]
Mumm-Ra: Unlock the window!
Skeletor: Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's breakfast burrito! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cobra: Oh Crap! [In the car next to them are their respective heroes, He-Man, Superman, Lion-O, and Flint]
Skeletor: Okay! Okay! Don't look at them! Just act casual!
[The heroes mockingly taunt the villains]
Cobra: This is exit 32, merge over!
Skeletor: I'm signaling, but they won't let me in!!!
Cobra: It's common courtesy!!
[Later, they arrive at a parking lot]
Mumm-Ra: OH! We are so late, man!
Cobra: Oh! Oh! There's a spot!
[They go to pull in, but the heroes quickly pull in before they do]
Lex Luthor: Oh, to hell with this! I'm teleporting! [he pushes his teleporter and vanishes]
Skeletor: Wow! He really did have a teleporter!
[Lex ends up teleported into the car of the kids he was making faces at earlier]
Lex Luthor: What the?
[Later, in the car]
Kids: Baldy! Baldy!
Lex Luthor: Son of a bitch.

Vegetable Fun Fest [1.6]

Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!
Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.
Marcie: Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty French-kiss]
Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian overtones"!
Charlie Brown: I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse. What should we do?
Great Pumpkin: You should let the Great Pumpkin eat you!
Charlie Brown: Poor Linus...
Lucy: That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-head, block-head, block-head!
Police officer: Whaa wha whaa wha wha wha wha wha whaa...
Lucy: What did he say?
Charlie Brown: Ugh, I never have any idea what any adult says; it's always that "wha wha wha" crap.
Lucy: Just kick the ball, you block-head!
Charlie Brown: But every time I try, you just take the ball away.
Lucy: This time I won't! Come on already!
Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, bitch!

A Piece of the Action [1.7]

Pizza Chef: Hey, mamma mia! The cannoli! Eh, lasagna!
Man with Gun: Hey, pasta fagioli! A spicy meatball!

The Deep End [1.8]

Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
Aquaman: I could. Hey!
Host: WHO POOP LAST?!
Khan: Your change, sir. (knocks James T. Kirk's glass of water over)
Kirk: Khaaaan!!!! (everyone runs away) Khaaaannn!!!!

S&M Present [1.9]

Badunkadunk [1.10]

Black Michael Jackson: Now you've gone too far! [Dances.] Prepare to die!
Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!
Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Toy Meets Girl [1.11]

Lion-O: After Mumm-Ra died of testicular cancer, there... was nobody left for the Thundercats to fight. We had to get real jobs.
Moore: Mm-hmm... was construction your first job?
Lion-O: Uh.... (Cut to a scene of Lion-O dancing in a strip club)
Man on Phone: Hey, a bunch of us are going to the bar later and...
Man watching TiVo: Well why don't you take your bar and shove it up your ass, I'm watching TiVo!!
Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
She-Ra: Am I done yet?
Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.

Midnight Snack [1.12]

Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Benjamin Franklin: I suppose y'all saw what the Wright Brothers did to old Ben Franklin last week. Well, if you think it's a bunch of bull-crap, gimmie a "boo-yaaaah!"
Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
Judge: Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
Jack: Not guilty, your honor.
Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
Dog: [Busts into the courtroom with a gun]
Guy in the courtroom: Oh my God! He's got a gun!
Dog: Nobody listened to me before, Jack must die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]
Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has its day.

Atta Toy [1.13]

[Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder. Brainy opens Vanity's styler to see what happened to him.]
Papa Smurf: Jesus Smurfing Christ!
Brainy: (catching breath) Oh! The comb is in his...and the lipstick is...oh, I can't look!
Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
Brainy: Bicurious?
[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
Brainy: Oh, no, Jokey! Your sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!
Jokey: I got you a present!
Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?
Jokey: It's a surprise!
[Brainy opens the box.]
Brainy: Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!! [The box explodes.]
Jokey: Surprise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!
Brainy: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Homer Simpson: Morning Apu, one order of Freedom Fries, please?
Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!
Guy: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!
Apu: What?!
[The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]
Simpsons: Happy birthday America!
Marge Simpson: I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]
Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
Lynndie England: Damn straight, yee-ha!
Reporter: Time now for Celebrity Birthdays. Diff'rent Strokes star, Conrad Bain is 82. Adult film star, Ron Jeremy is 69. [music plays for a short time] And comedy trailblazer, Fatty Arbuckle is 118. At least he would be, if he wasn't [bleep] worm food. In your face, Fatty Arbuckle! You fat, filthy, [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] fat f[Bleep] [Bleep]!

Joint Point [1.14]

Bone-Chiling Villain: Gahahahaaaa! Sorry little girl, but Queen Beryl needs your life force to take over the planet earth! Gahahahaaaa!
Luna: Sarena, change into Sailor Moon Quickly!
Sarena: Right! Moon Prism Power! *Sigh*
[Transforms into Sailor Moon]
Sailor Moon: In the name of the moon, I will punish... Oh my god!!!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Hahahaaaa!!!
Luna: HMMMM!
Bone-Chiling Villain:( whispers) What? What is it? OH MAN!!

[Picks the lid and closes into the penis.]

Bone-Chiling Villain :AUGH UH! I-I-I-I don't know why how that happen!
Sailor Moon: Well... Geez!
Bone-Chiling Villain: I'm so sorry! That's is so disapressful of me!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Your pretty hot though!
Sailor Moon: Should... should we still fight, because I don't really want to anymore!
Bone-Chiling Villain: A-A-AWW! You know, your moments definitly pal!
Sailor Moon: Alright! S-See you next time man!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Nah! Sure! Okay! Um-Um- Another time!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Queen Beryl, I have failed to bring her Sailor Moon's life force!
Queen Beryl: You Fool! Your uttering confidence is dwarfed only by your sphere's stupidity! EWW!!!
Bone-Chiling Villain: AUGH UH I-I'm sorry your majesty it's just... I kinda like it when you yell at me! I-It's Hot!!

[Zaps & fell down.]

Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition!
[Notices her erection.]
Queen Beryl: Oh...anime sure is weird!

Kiddie Pool [1.15]

Nightmare Generator [1.16]

[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter.]
B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!
Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!
[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!
[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
Murdock: Hey, you know years of druged milk can leed to seaver side effects like, Severe lactose intolerance.
[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
Faceman: Damn it, the windows won't roll down!
Hannibal: This is gonna be a long flight...
Faceman: Greetings. Is this where the thugs and/or criminals hang out? Because, I too, am a thug and/or criminal.
Thug 1: Holy crap, it's Faceman from the A-Team!
Thug 2: Get him!

Operation: Rich In Spirit [1.17]

Man in jacket: I think I just s*** out my heart, [gasp] I wonder if she puts out...
Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?
Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll -- damn, it's fashionable!
Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice sex until you get back.
Phyllis Diller: Sex? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]
Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!
Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.
Shaggy: Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating hippie.
Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in these horror movies. God, my life sucks!
Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! [audience laughs] And that ain't all - somebody killed me! [falls down with a knife in his back]
Velma: Now let's see who you really are. [Unmaskes Jason] Old Man Phillips?! But why?
Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake! Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My friends are all dead! They're dead, and I'm still a virgin! A virgin!!
Phillips: Y'know... we can fix that.

The Sack [1.18]

Frooger: Now's our chance, boys!
[His friends come over to him.]
Kaneda:TAATTSUUOO!!!

Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!

Boy & Girl: Stupid bunny, Stix are intended for children!

Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!

Girl: He touched me inappropriately!

[Stix gets sent to jail.]

[In Jail, Stix rabbit meets Cookie Criminal)

Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar right?

Stix the Rabbit: (crying) But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!

Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.

Officer: Rabbit, you're out.

Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an hour!

Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child

(Cut to a scene there a Gudie and Stix Rabbit going around in the jungle)

Toucan Sam: Selling's a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!

Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.

Jungle Guide: (whispers to Stix) A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!

Toucan Sam: KILL THAT MOTHERF***ER!

[All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly.]

[We then see a few chiefs made Sugar)

Stix the Rabbit: (referring to the cocaine) Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! (realized and telling the audience) I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!

[After Stix the rabbit uses sugar to get money wee see children eats suger instead for chocolate, a Bee is used as leverantor]

[The Stix Rabbit and the Leprechaun are sitting naked in the spa.]

Leprechaun: I tell ya, the bleeding boys were following me around, and one little brasser says, "We're after your charms." And so I says, "Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Stix the Rabbit: Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.

(Stix Rabbit's assistant steps into the scene.)

Assistant: (Whispering in Rabbit's ear) Bad news, boss: the Rice Boys are talking to the cops.

Stix the Rabbit: (standing up with his censored pelvis out) Bastards are always talking!

(Scene cuts to the Rice Boys sitting down and talking to the police officer in a dark room.)

Crackle: Okay, okay, I'll crack!

Snap: I'll crinkle!

Pop: I'll plop!

Crackle: The Stix Rabbit made us sell the stuff!

Officer: Uh...we only brought you in 'cuz someone turned in your wallet.

(Officer holds up wallet. All the Rice Boys look nervous.)

Pop: Heh...Must-must've lost it.

(Scene Cuts to Tony the Tiger and Capitan Crunch shooting the police)

Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!

Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!

(Then the cops kill First the two assistants, then Captain Crunch, Then the police kill Tony the Tiger, who is falling down)

Stix the Rabbit: Don´t Shoot! I give up!

Policeman 1: He is giving up! Shoot him!

(Policemen start shooting on him, and Stix Rabbit is soon in heaven)

Stix the Rabbit: (Sees a Box of Stix Cereal) Yes! Finally!

(An Angel appears and says)

Angel: Stupid bunny, Stix are intended for children!

Stix Rabbit: Noooooooooo!

(Cut to Static)

Reporter #1: Mayor McCheese! Mayor McCheese! How do your views differ from Governor Schwarzenegger given that he's a republican, and you have a cheeseburger for a head?
Mayor McCheese: It's a birth defect! Oh, I've dealt with prejudice all my life...
Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! There have been allegations that you've taken women to motel rooms and paid them to go to the bathroom on your chest.
Hamburglar: Uh, uh, robble, robble, robble, robble!

That Hurts Me [1.19]

Devil: What the hell?!(after hell gets frozen over)
Nerd (in a singsong voice): I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!
Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.
Nerd (still singing): Gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!
Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.
Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house.
(Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken)
Freddy Kreuger: In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.
Doug: I wanna end up in Keira Knightley's underwear!
Monk:(sighs) Everyone wishes for that.
(Later)
Doug:(To Keira Knightley) I was almost your underwear, ya know.
Timmy: (when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he jumps into the pile) Ha ha jerkass! (hits a hidden fire hydrant)
Kid 2: I got you, Timmy!
Timmy: I...can't feel my arms and legs.

The Black Cherry [1.20]

Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry Justin. ..... ow, my butt!

Robot Chicken Christmas Special [1.21]

Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?
Goku: You're damn right I could.
Gohan: Is that Santa on the roof?
Goku: Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide]
(Santa falls hard out of the chimney.)
Gohan: Santa, Santa!
Santa: Oh! my motherfucking knee, Oh, fuck! Fuck! Oh, fucking damn it out of hell that hurts like a motherfucker!
Gohan: Dad, what's a scrotum?
Goku: Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?
Santa: Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents... and my pants!
The Nutcracker: Ha ha ha, Christmas is ours!
Reindeer: You'll never get away with this!
Composite Santa: Ho, ho, ho! (Makes a fist) I've got five good reasons for you to shut up: (Pulls out a gun and shoots the reindeer five times) One, two, three-four-five!
Gohan: Dad, who are those guys?
Goku: Kung fu legends. That's the Little Drummer Boy; his mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul. The Nutcracker; he knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.
Gohan: What are Composite Santa's powers?
Goku: I don't know, but he freaks me right the fuck out.
Composite Santa: Intruders!!!
Little Drummer Boy: I will conquer the demon with my magical drum! Hahahaha!! [he fights playing the drums and drops the sticks]
Reindeers: [After seeing Goku and Gohan's Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] Holy shit!!!!
Composite Santa: [Composite Santa is vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa dies]
Goku: We did it!
Mrs. Santa: Fools!
Goku: Mrs. Santa?
Mrs. Santa: The evil sigestion of attacking christmas is me!
(After taking down the NutCracker with his nimbus cloud)
Gohan: Hah! You're not so tough!
Nutcraker: Testicle attack No. 49!! (punches Gohan in the groin)
Gohan: Owww! My Dragonball!
Reindeer 1: Your nose shoots lasers?
Rudolph: You don't think there is a reason it glows red? What does yours shoot? (Reindeer 1 blows boogers from his snout) Eww!
Composite Santa: [After a long Dragon-Ball style "powering up" sequence] Okay, I've got nothing....
Reindeer 1: It's payback time! Let's beat her up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises!
Reindeer 2: Yeah, we'll hit her so hard, she'll starve to death rolling!
Reindeer 1: She's so ugly, we'll push her face in dough and make gorilla biscuits!
Reindeer 2: She so black, when she go to night school, teacher mark her absent!
Santa: Tha-that-that's still my wife, guys.
Santa: [Referring to the mutated Mrs. Santa] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women.... am I right, fellas?

[After Mrs. Santa turns into a snowflake and falls into Goku's hands]

Goku: The Tenka'ichi Budôkai is finally complete.
Santa: What the fuck are you talking about? Was that even English? What happened to my wife? [A reindeer eats the snowflake; Santa sighs] This is the last time I bring presents to Japan. [Little Drummer Boy does a rimshot and drops his sticks]

Season 2

Suck It [2.1]

Mike Lazzo: Hi y'all! I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.
Peter Griffin: Guilty!
Space Ghost: Guilty.
Master Shake: Oh ho, you're so-o frickin' guilty.
Seth Green: (screen starts to fly away into space) "Nooooooo!!!! Aggghhh--!! (screen crashes onto a UFO)
Alien 1: I think we hit something.
Alien 2: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Seth Green: Aggghh!! (falls down onto his seat) Ummff!
Keith Crofford: Hey Seth, what happened to you?"
Seth Green: I don't know. (slime comes down as audience laughs)
Keith Crofford: (laughs) You're renewed.
Skater McGee: And now I'm off to the next town to kill more teenagers.
Mayor: You're doing God's work, Skater McGee.
Mr. Potato Head: (to Mrs. Potato Head after she gives birth to a carrot) You whore!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. (everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone) Blammo!

Federated Resources [2.2]

Naked Guy: This is how I dance, when I'm not wearing underpants. Nothing I like more than to dance, and I'm not gonna wear no pants. You can't make me-- (scene cuts off)
[J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food.]
["Manchester, England 1989"]
Jerk: J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey, are you an angel?
Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy wizard.
Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon. He has an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right away!
Jerk: Haha
["Dicks with Time Machines"]
Dog Pound Worker: Okay, little girl, take any pet you like.
Vickie: Thanks.
[Sees Lion-O sitting in a cage.]
Vickie: What are you doing in here, Mr. Kittie-cat?
Lion-O: A space time vortex opened up on my home planet Thundera and I suddenly found myself on Earth, where cats, apparently, don't share the same rights as humans.
Vickie: You're so cute! I choose you!
[Walking on the school yard.]
Vickie: I can't wait for show and tell.
Billy: Haha! Vickie has cooties, Vickie has cooties!
Vickie: Stop it, Billy!
[Lion-O slams Billy up against a wall and starts pounding on him.]
Lion-O: Vickie...does...not...have...cooties! Anyone else? Huh? Anyone else? Come on! I got nine lives and a whole can of whup ass!
[Vickie starts spraying Lion-O with water.]
Vickie: Bad! Bad Mr. Kittie-cat!
Lion-O: [Sarcastically.] Fine, fine I over reacted. Sorry everybody. Sorry, that one's on me. [Turns to Vickie, who has been continuing to spray him] Please stop that.
Vikie: This is my new pet. His name is Mr. Kittie-cat and I got him at the pound.
Lion-O: Actually, my name is Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats. I'm the choosen one.
Kid: Lame!
[Lion-O jumps on him.]
Lion-O: Ah come on Vickie, aren't we still friends? Huh? BFF!
Vickie: No!
Lion-O: Ahhh ooh ohh! Vickie!
Vickie: Go to hell!
Dog Pound Worker: Don't worry, Lion-O, we'll find you a home.
Old Lady: Miss prissy pants, stop fussing with your bow.
Lion-O: This bow sucks and my name is Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats. Sworn to...
Old Lady: Oopsie, grouchy don't get any tuna.
Lion-O: [Under his breath.]] I better get some freakin' tuna.
Teacher: Yes?
Girl Student: Because your wife was a bitch?
[On Blackboard it says "Reasons I Left My Wife:"]
Teacher: Because...she was...a bitch. Yes.
Barber: There you go, one shaved head.
Customer: [Shown to be naked] Great, let's make the carpet match the drapes. [gestures towards pubic area]
Paul Revere: The British are coming! The British are coming! [Sees a cave] Hey, a shortcut. [Slams into a painted wall, the time traveling jerk pops out.]
Mom: Margaret! Sarah!
Margaret and Sarah: A pony! A pony! Yay! A pony!
Mom: Only one of you gets the pony. The other one gets a whipping.
Dad: Now let's see those report cards.
Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
Moses: God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.
Guy: Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?
Moses: No.
Guy: Didn't think so.
Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it.
[Everyone laughs.]
Moses: Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing!
[The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]
["Dicks with Time Machines"]
Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, de umn børk børk børk, yorn desh born! Hey Björk Björk! Björk Björk Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk Björk. Hey Mork! Nanu! Mork, Mork, Mork. Yorn desh dork! Hehe dork, dork! Hey, York! York, York! Eh Quark! Quark! Quark Quark! Hey Tork! Peter Tork Tork Tork Tork! Zork! Zork! Zork Zork! Zork Zork Zork! Hey, pork! Pork pork pork! Pork pork! Fork? Fork fork fork. Fork fork. Hey, spork! Spork spork! Spork spork! Spork spork! Orc! Orc! Orc!
Swedish Chef's Wife: Ah what kept you honey? Dinner's waiting.
Swedish Chef: (screaming in a completely American accent) Get the hell off my back, woman!! Can't I get a moment of fucking peace?!? [Throws dishes on floor] God!!!
[Woman looks badly beaten up.]
Woman: I...uh...I-I walked into a door.
Salesman: Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?
Woman's husband: What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.

[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]

Dick: Heh heh...douche.

["Heroes with Time Machines"]

Corey Haim: [Yawns.] Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?
Corey Feldman: Same thing we do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.
[Both get dressed and put on hair gel.]
Corey Feldman: Let's go start the day!
Corey Haim: Yeah!
[Both ssitting on a couch flipping through channels.]
Mel E. Kazurowski (News Anchor): This just in: President Bush's daughters are missing in action after the helicopter carrying them to a USO tour event crashed in Brazilian Rainforest. The military released the following video tape just prior to the crash.
Jenna Bush: Wooohoo! It's a party! Aaa-whoo!
Barbara Bush: My dad's the president!
Pilot: Ms. Bush please I can't see.
Barbara Bush: Suck it!
Pilot: Look out!
Corey Feldman: Two presidental daughters! That's one for each of us.
Corey Haim: Feld-dog, let's roll.
[They exit their house in a van that goes into a jet.]
Corey Haim: Coordinates are locked in.
Corey Feldman: Let's punch it.
Corey Haim: Woo!
Corey Feldman: Yeah! Let's go, go ,go, go. Whoa, this is tight! This is tight!
Corey Haim: That's what it would be like if we had the Corey Van and the Corey Jet.
[They get on a bus.]
["96 Hours Later"]
Corey Haim: Listen to me! We should have Corey Rocketpacks!
Corey Feldman: Hey Corey I've got an idea for ya. How about a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up!
Corey Feldman: Hey barkeep, nice frosty cola right here.
Corey Haim: Two straws please.
Barkeep: We don't surve your kind here.
Corey Feldman: Our kind? You mean Americans?!
Barkeep: No I mean anyone who's ever been on the cover of a teen magazine. Like Ba, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, Cosmo, Grrl, J-14...
Corey Haim: Hahah, boy, didn't you pick the wrong two Coreys. He-he-hey hey guys, listen we don't want any trouble and I don't think you do either so...
Guy: To the contrary. Trouble is what you now have because we are giving it to you.
Corey Feldman: Wait! Wait hahaha just wait. Now we're going to tear it up.
Corey Haim: Yeah, Lost Boys style!
[The Coreys get beaten up by the gang but one bumps into Dustin Diamond and he takes them all out.]
Corey Feldman: Wow! Thanks for helping us douche...ah...Screech.
Dustin Diamond: The location of the Bush daughters is here and now I must return to my Muay Thai kickbox training.
Corey Feldman: Why would you help us?
Dustin Diamond: Because I too am a former teen idol. [giggles.]
Corey Feldman: Ah no, actually you were more like a second, third banana on a B-rated kids show but hey whatever you say.
[The Coreys arrive at a small shack.]
Corey Haim: What the hell is this place? Is this the place? Could this be the place? I'm going in either way so...
Partier: Love shack baby!
Corey Feldman: Yo! Presidental babes!
Corey Haim: We're here to rescue ya!
Barbara: Rescue us? You can go straight to hell!
Jenna: Yeah we're finally free!! Free to partay!
Barbara: Woo!
Jenna: Ah-ah. We're never going home! Woohoo.
Corey Haim: Look Feld-dog, if we can't bring them home, we can't be heroes.
Corey Feldman: Well Haims, looks like we gotta rely on our one true skill.
Corey Haim: Whoa wait, you're not talking about the thing we do with our taints right? Are ya?
Corey Feldman: No, Corey. Acting!
President Bush: Even though Corey Haim and Corey Feldman couldn't be here today, I want to thank them for bringing my precious daughters home.
[Shows The Coreys dressed up as The Bush Twins. Feldman as Jenna and Haim as Barbara.]
President Bush: I hereby declare that anyone who hates the Coreys, also hates America.
Corey Haim: Hey Feld-dog, Feld-dog. What happens if they find the real Bush Twins, man?
Corey Feldman: F-fat chance!
[The Bush Twins are shown in a crate inside a warehouse, full of other crates, being pushed by a guy while the Bush Twins are yelling.]
Barbara: Let us out!
Jenna: Damn you to hell Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!
Barbara: My dad's the president. I'm gonna get you buried in oil and then I'm going to get my dad to invade you!
Jenna: Actually I will get you hurt. Yeah how'd you like to get your ass kicked by Hali-bu-burton or Haliburton?!
Barbara: Haha haha. Gee Jenna we're like old apples tied up to a bag of (bleep)!
Jenna: You suck!
Barbara: I...ah...I gotta go to the bathroom!

Easter Basket [2.3]

Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love me.
Girl: But I'm not in love with you.
Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!
Barney: You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]
Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazon Boulder.Com/Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
Fred: [reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!
Barney: [burying Fred's corpse] Dammit, Fred, I just wanted some of your fucking cereal.
Bird: [being used as a shovel] Oh, his head always was full of rocks.
Barney: [gasps] A witness! [kills shovel-bird and runs back into the house] Witnesses! The dishwasher!
Octopus: My goodness Cretacious!
Barney: The record player!
Bird: He's off his rocker!
Barney: The bidet!
Turtle: Oh man, the things I've witnessed...
[The audience screams as Barney grabs the bird and pulls a pig's tail.]
Pig: Is he stone-cold crazy? You bet Jurassic!
Barney: No more puns! [he stuffs the bird into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly.]
Wilma: He's trying to sell me a tampon, but I said "It's just a rock!" and he says "Well duh, everything's a rock!"
Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.
Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.
Barney the Dinosaur: [in prison; sobbing] I love you...*sniff* You love me...
Cellmate: Damn right.
Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. Bad dog. [gunshot]

Celebrity Rocket [2.4]

[Two adults are riding a seesaw.]
Little Child: [Runs up to them.] Can I play?
Adult: Oh, you go to hell, you piece of garbage!
[Little Child runs off crying]

[a man is fleeinga vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off]

Man: Ahh, must have lost him.

[brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground]

Man: You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.

[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it]

Man: Wait a second, I have milk at home.

[Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car]

Man: La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Dragon Nuts [2.5]

Bill Gates: Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
Adult: [Sigh.] I'll get my coat.
Boy: [With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only half way done! Half way done!
Announcer: there has been a breakout in boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is president bush to adress this issue...
President Bush: And I the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys; come on man it's not funny give us back our porn!

1987 [2.6]

Doctor: [to Snoopy] What have you been sleeping on?
Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
First Guard: Oh my God, that is so funny!
Second Guard: You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!
Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK!, FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's "they"?! What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me? Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet...wrapped...in...leathery...burnt...bacon. Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have--do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye--wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real fucking original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too.
Skeletor: Ahhhhh... Oh, massage chair, if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride.
Mo-Larr: [calling] Skeletor!
Skeletor: Oh no! It's Mo-Larr, Eternian Dentist!
Mo-Larr: You missed your 10:15 appointment!
Skeletor: I'm busy, Mo-Larr!
Mo-Larr: You have an infected wisdom tooth, Skeletor! It has to come out!
Skeletor: I'm a talking skull! What do I care if-- ah, you know what? To hell with this.
Grizzlor: [To Mo-Larr, after he gets stabbed in the eye with a dental drill.] How come Beast-Man got the dental floss, and I get the fucking drill in my eye?!
Announcer: Fight! [Johnny Cage and Kano begin fighting, Kano is about to knock out Johnny Cage] Finish him! [Kano punches Johnny's chest and takes his heart out; scene change to the hospital]
Nurse: Pressure's down to sixty...
Doctor: Dammit! He's losing too much blood! Don't you die on me, you hear, nurse get me more O-neg stat!

[scenes change to Jonny as he recovers, he is fed by his girlfriend, he tries to walk, stumbles, but begins walking again, eventually, he leaves the hospital; scene change back to the wrestling arena, a banner says "Welcome Back Johnny!"]

Kano: Feeling better?
Johnny: I feel great!
Announcer: Finish him! [Kano takes out Johnny's heart again]
Senator: Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean!
Ted Turner: That burns my ass!
Senator: Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you can do.
Ted Turner: Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet can! [One of the members show that Ted's crazy]
Captain Planet: [in restroom, Ted is changing into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [man enters, sees Ted, then walks away]

[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]

Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes to the streets.] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the man in the face.] CAPTAIN PLANET!

[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking.]

Senator 1: Where are we gonna dump our sludge next?
Senator 2: Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a lot of sludge.
Senator 1: Oh, it sure could.
Senator 2: Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon.
Senator 1: Yeah. [notices something offscreen] Hey, is that Ted Turner?
Senator 2: [also notices something, it is Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office.] Yeah, what the hell is he doing?
Senator 1: I dunno, he's on one of those ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, yeah, is that what they call "ziplines"?
Senator 1: Yeah, ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, I never thought-- [Captain Planet breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and embedding glass in Senator 2's eye.]
Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET!
Senator 2: You got glass in my eye!
Captain Planet: And my foot in your balls! [kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the window threatening to drop him]
Senator 2: What do you want Mr. Turner?!
Captain Planet: To sign this agreement to not dump any more sludge and I'll let you go.
Senator 2: Okay, okay! [the senator signs the agreement]
Captain Planet: This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET! [the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a dumpster and is killed instantly.]
Captain Planet: Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you! CAPTAIN PLANET!

Cracked China [2.7]

Eagle Eye Smith: I'M A CHAMPION!
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
Pikachu: [defeats Jigglypuff with a Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!
Ash: Back in your Poké Ball, Pikachu. [Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]
Misty: I wonder what it's like inside those Poké Balls?
Ash: I wonder when you'll shut up and make my dinner!
Gary: Would you ready to battle, Ass?
Ash: [growls] My name is Ash! Pikachu, I choose you! [echoes Pikachu, I choose you! You! You! You!]
[Charizard roars]
Ash: Go get 'em, Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pikachu. (Subtitle) Douche.
Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
Voices: (after a pause) Zombies.
Man: Okay.
Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.
[E.T.'s Mom is nitting waiting for E.T. to Phone him]
E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he has'nt phone he knows how I worry.

Rodigitti [2.8]

Leonardo: Oh, no! I just cowabunga'd in my pants!
Raphael: Barfaroonie! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments!
Leonardo: It depends!
Michelangelo: Dudes, where's Splinter?
[Splinter is using his cane to lift a nurse's skirt]
Nurse: Um, what are you doing?
Splinter: Looking for Shredder. No, not here. [smiles]
Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a Wheelchair!
Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes wearing diapers!
Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes touching Nurses!
Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dealing with life's changes!
Student: You suck Scott Norwood! You fucking jerk.
Future Guy: Uh, excuse me, what year is this?
Guy: Uh, 2006.
Future Guy: 2006 haha oh man. Good luck buddy.
Daffy Duck: Sufferin' succotash!
Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor
You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny.
Master of the stage. You need a map junkie.
You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [Really shoots B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]
Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [[Pints at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
B Rabbit: Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me wascally wabbit.
Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
Elmer Phudd: Two?
[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]
B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, just to prove that you're gay.
Would you like a kiss handsome?
Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.
He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]
I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.
[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?
DJ Bacon Bits: Th-th-th-that's all, bitches!

Massage Chair [2.9]

Frank: Did you finish that marketing proposal?
Jim: Nope.
Frank: I told you to give it to me today.
Jim: I could've sworn you said Thursday.
Frank: No, I said Wednesday.
Jim: I don't think so, Thursday!
Frank: Wednesday, douchebag!
Jim: Thursday, assface!
Frank: Wednesday, you fucking idiot!!
Boss: What is going on here?!
Frank: We're having a fight about the due date of the marketing proposal.
Boss: Well then there's only one one way to solve it.
[The scene changes to a Mortal Kombat-style fight]
Announcer: FIGHT!!
Jim: [Punches Frank in the face]
Frank: [Throws staplers at Jim] Stapler! Stapler!
Jim: [Throws papers at Frank] Post It! Post It! P-P-P-Post It!
Announcer: Finish him!
Jim: [Performs Fatality by smashing Jim with a cupboard]
Announcer: Level 2!
Nancy: You know that proposal was due on Wednesday, Jim!
Jim: Thursday, Nancy.
Announcer: FIGHT!!
Nancy: [Throws coffee at Jim] Hot coffee! Hot coffee!
Jim: [Stretches arms and touches Nancy's breasts] Sexual harassment!
Nancy: [Shows lawsuit papers to Jim] Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
Jim: [Stabs Nancy in the eye with a knife] Letter opener!
Announcer: Level 3!
Jim: Ryu from Street Fighter? I didn't know you worked here!
Ryu: I don't, but that proposal was definitely due on Wednesday!
Announcer: FIGHT!!
Ryu: Hadouken! [Takes 85% off of Jim's life bar.]
Jim: I'll get right on it.
Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midi-chloriant count is extremely high.
Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.
Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.
Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.
Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.
[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?
Bush: Heheheheheheh!
[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.
[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
Bush: What the hell?
Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-
Bush: Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]
Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become-- [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish-- [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!
Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!
[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]
Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flicks him off]
Bush: Why you little-- [slices off her middle finger]
Jenna: Owwww!
Bush: No baby, I'm sorry!
Jenna: [she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!
Bush: Nooooooooooo--
[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]
Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
Bush: [tries again] You have.
Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.
Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.
Senator: Yes sir. [runs out of the office]
Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule.

Password: Swordfish [2.10]

Ron: Harry, I'm scared!
Harry: You're always scared, you chicken shit!
Ron: I can’t help it! I’m a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken shit virgin!
Harry What are we going to do?
Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.
Hermione: Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were cursed by the monster Pubertus.
Snape: Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus!
Snape:So... shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherine?"
Hermione:Pedophilius Repellus!
Draco Malfoy: Look Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick. [he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
Sorting Hat: Virgin.
[Students laugh]
Malfoy: Looks like Potter is "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?
Hermione: Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy!
[Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]
Sorting Hat: Second base!
[Students gasp]
[Ricky gets run over by a car while playing soccer.]
Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mute. Do you know what that means? (Ricky shakes his head) It means you can't talk no more. (now cheerful) But just because you can't talk don't mean you can't communicate. Look what I got you! (shows him a big sandwich board saying "Hi, my name is Ricky!") You'll wear this everywhere you go.
[The soccer game continues to play, Ricky is in possession of the soccer ball.]
Red Team Player #1: Kick it over here, "Hi, my name is Ricky"!
[Ricky starts passing the ball but the defense blocks it.]
Blue Team Player #1: Nice job on Defense, "Hi, my name is Ricky"! You suck! You seriously fucking suck, dude!
[The accident sequence continues to go on, Ricky gets run over twice.]
Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mostly deaf. Do you know what that means? I said, "Do you know what that means?" Well anyways, this is just another challenge, yo champel! I got you those hearing aids. (fits two horns of Ricky's ears)
[The soccer game continues once again. Ricky, as his sandwich board now reads "Hello, I am hearing impaired!" gets the ball.]
Coach: Nice huzzle, "Hello, I am hearing impaired!"
[Another blue player blocks the ball.]
Blue Team Player #2: You kinda suck, "Hello, I am hearing impaired!"
[Ricky gets run over for the last time.]
Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident affected your brain. We don't know what that means yet, but I got you these googly eye glasses.
[The soccer game continues for a third time, as Ricky, with his googly eye glasses and sandwich board now saying "Howdy, I have brain damage!", stands by the blue team's goal. The ball bounces off Ricky and straight into the goal.]
Red Team Player #2: We won, "Howdy, I have brain damage!"
Red Team Player #1: Three cheers for "Howdy, I have brain damage!"
Red Team Players: [hoisting up Ricky] Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray!
[Ricky's dad is seen in the crowd.]
Man: That was impressive. Uh, which one's your son again?
Ricky's Dad: Um, that fat Asian kid.
Cheer Bear: We did it!! We killed all the Care-Bear cousins!
All Care Bears: Hooray for murder!
Cheer Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide! Get your party on!
Care Bear: Whooo!!! Everyone eat some rainbow!
Another Care Bear: Mmmm...that's good rainbow. [sky darkens and lightning flashes] Jesus fucking Christ! IT'S the great Cloud Keeper in the sky!
Cloud Keeper: Care Bears! I have watched you actions with great displeasure!
Cheer Bear: But, we purified the land of Care-a-Lot!
Cloud Keeper: For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A hell on Earth; I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...[lightning]...New Jersey! [transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]
New Jersey Mayor: Hello. I'm New Jersey's Governor John Corzine. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our state's proud history: The Garden State. [eats some rainbow] Come get in on some of this rainbow.

Adoptions an Option [2.11]

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
E.T.: Be good.
Elliot: Good-goodbye E.T.
E.T.: E.T. home.
Alien #1: Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!
E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.
Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]
E.T.: [gives them a glowing middle finger]
Alien #1: Oh now you're fucking dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]
E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
Alien #1: And next time, stay lost, loser!!!
E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.
Fast-food Worker: [Practicing to himself at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? [Car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit! Dammit!!
Penny: Who bookmarked dog on dog porn in my browser? [stares at Brain] As if I had to ask!
Dr. Claw: With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!
Penny: Brain, that's still Uncle Gadget. We need to remember that deep down inside-- [Gadget appears in front of their car] Aggh! Ram that son of a bitch!!!

Metal Militia [2.12]

Hulk Hogan: [to Roddy Piper] Roddy, we need your stealth. Go take out the guard real quiet-like, and the rest of us will sneak pa--
Roddy Piper: Gotcha, Hogan! [walks up to guard] Hey, hey, hey, you (bleep)ing Nazi! How are ya? [takes out the guard with a headbutt, a piledriver, a suplex, and a clothesline]
Murky: If only we had Rainbow Brite's magic star sprinkle, we turned the whole world gray!
Owner: Guys, every night with this. What's so gray about turning the world gray anyway?
Lurky: Whoa! It really uses a metaforce.
Owner: If you wanna do something evil, arson is pretty evil.
Murky: Look it-- [Punches his face] Shut up!
Lurky: I say we break all the magic sprites and take all the star sprinkles we want!
Murky: I'm here, what's under the sink?
Lurky: Tampons!

[Breaks the glasses]

Murky: Uh oh, Game over man! Game over! Rainbow Brite's gonna kick our asses if she finds us in here!
Rainbow Brite: Oh good God! What a day!
Rainbow Brite: *sigh* Damn! I was all the meaded for hours.
Rainbow Brite: Hahaha! Black people are so much funnier than white people.
Rainbow Brite: Damn! I'm active starving!
Rainbow Brite: Intruders!
Murky: Let's get the f*** outta her man!

[Rainbow Brite uses a chainsaw and kills Lurky & Murky]

Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
Sergeant Schultz: I'm no Nothing!!
Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious bullshit.

Veggies for Sloth [2.13]

Archie: What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper?
Betty: Who's he, he sounds dreamy!
Reggie: Blondes are dumb whores!
[Everybody laughs]
Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.
Veronica: Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy.
Archie: (thinking about it) I choose...
[Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at Archie.]
Archie: (still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened) Still deciding...
[Veronica groans]
Moose: Duh Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku?
Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of poem.
Moose: Duh, what's death?
Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about football.
Man: [sitting on top of a chimney] Hey baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls through chimney]
People in the House: Oh God! Santa?
Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
Alien #2: Will help ever arrive?

[Buck Rogers comes in]

Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! F(bleep)ck Rogers is finally here!
Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
Alien #1: F(bleep)ck!
Alien #2: F(bleep)ck Rogers!
Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
Alien #3: The Robots are through the south defenses! F(bleep)ck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
Alien #1: It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not F(bleep)ck! What's with you aliens?!
Alien #4: F(bleep)ck!
Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the-- it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've been shot! F(bleep)ck, it hurts! [dies]
Alien #5: Welcome, F(bleep)ck!
Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!!

[gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]

Aliens: [getting shot:] F(bleep)ck, Motherf(bleep)cker!
Buck Rogers: F(bleep)ck you!
Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
Buck Rogers: F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you and you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep) you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you!

[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]

Wilma: You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

Sausage Fest [2.14]

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]
Giraffe: Uh-oh.
["Stage One: Denial"]
Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
["Stage Two: Anger"]
Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh! Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
["Stage Four: Depression"]
Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!
["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] Fuck...
Garfield:: [to Heathcliff] I'm gonna start calling you Monday, and I hate Mondays!
Announcer:Up next on Cat Court heres the assault case against Cheester Cheetah.
Timer:He Hankered for a Hunka my ASS YAH-HOO.
Wolverine: Look sharp Team!
Professor Xavier: Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!
Cyclops: Right Professor!
Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
Professor Xavier: The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.
Miral James: Sorry I'm late!
Professor Xavier: MY HOMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. Moving on to the - *looks down* I didn't say 'stop'!

Drippy Pony [2.15]

Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

The Munnery [2.16]

Kevin: Star light, Star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish, I wish tonight. I wish-- (turning into a robot) Holy crap! I got to tell Oscar. Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Oscar: Agghhhhh!!
Kevin: Hey Oscar, it's me, Kevin.
Oscar: Oh, what happened?
Kevin: I made a wish on that star.
Oscar: (turning into a dinosaur) Dude, we've got to tell Jimmy.
Jimmy: (turned into a giant turtle) Dudes, we've got to tell Louis.
Kevin: Louis, hey Louis make a wish. It'll come true.
Louis: Okay! (turning into a giant squid)
Jimmy: Giant squid? You idiot, we're not even near water.
Louis: Oh crap! Sorry guys! (is put on Ocsar's head) Let's go tell Timmy!
Oscar: Timmy! Hey Timmy! Make a wish and it'll come true!

(Timmy wishes he were a girl)

Everyone: Timmy?!?
Timmy: Let's go tell Zach!
Kevin: Zach! Make a wish and it'll come true!

(Zach wishes they'd die, and they do)

Zach: Fucking jerks. It's three in the morning.

(scene starts in USS Enterprise Montgomery Scott or Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise)

Captain James T. Kirk: Report, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!
Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? (camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk) Oh, no. He didn't.

[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]

Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.
Scotty: Sure.
Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite useful.
Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.
Mr. Spock: Quite logical.
Scotty: Sure.

[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman to eat first]

Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, fuck all you all!
Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.
Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who brought a gun.
Kirk: Ohhh....

[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]

Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good ham.

Day at the Circus [2.17]

Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?
Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.
Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Lust for Puppets [2.18]

Calvin: Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!
Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with our son.
Hobbes: Calvin, your parents don't believe [that Hobbes is alive]. We have to kill them. [gets out a chainsaw.]
Calvin: (while at a psychiatrist) This is some bullshit!
Hobbes: Yeah!
[A man is standing next to another man. The first man takes out a cell phone and takes a picture of his penis. Then he sends it to someone who he thinks is the other man. Then, the phone rings.]
Man: Hello? Grandma! Oh G-I'm sorry! No, I-I must've misdialed.
Cameron Diaz: [Hits Bill Murray with a baseball bat.] That's for making Lucy Liu cry on the set of Charlie's Angels, Bill Murray! [Then goes to another house and hits Ben Stiller with the bat.] That's for giving me cancer with your fake semen, Ben Stiller!
Ben Stiller: I was just an actor! That stuff gave me cancer too!
Cameron Diaz: Well--[hits him again.] That's for having cancer!
[Mario & Luigi have driven their go-kart into an auto-repair garage and come out with a customized car.]
Mario: Mamma Mia! Luigi, we got-a pimped-out-a ride!
[after evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a prostitute.]
Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!
Prostitute: I'll suck your cock for fifty bucks!
Mario: Princess!
Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?
Mushroom Seller: [giving Mario one] This is some really good shit, man.
[Mario eats it and gets high to heal his wounded shoulder.]
Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
[Police sirens. The Mushroom Seller and Prostitute flee from the scene.]
Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!
Mario: [thinks he see coins on the road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, There's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!
Luigi: Mario, no!
[the coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with the car.]
Luigi: I think I should-a drive!
[they crash and fly out of the car.]
Officer 1: Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Officer 2: Hey, he's [Luigi] got a wrench!
Officer 1: Take him down!
[Officers shoot Luigi.]
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots everything in his way.]
[The army and SWAT show up.]
Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother f--[everyone shoots him.]
Yoshi: [on go-kart; looks at the two roads and goes right; sign says "Raccoon City] Hmmm...Raccoon City sounds lovely! [in the city; looks like a warzone; zombies appear and eat Yoshi]

Donkey Punch [2.19]

Recording Producer: Okay, lets take it from the top.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is here Time for nuts and time for beer
David Seville: [Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!
[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poop Don't buy me a hula hoop
David: They're fantastic!
Recording Producer: This could sell thousands of albums.
David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Book of Corrine [2.20]

Man: She'll have the chef salad and I'll have... I'll have the steak.
Lobster: Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an' I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face mother--
Big Bird: Uugh! I feel like I'm gonna blow up the chunks on bird seed. [vomits, then falls down.]
Elmo: Oh no, Big Bird has the bird flu!
Grover: The Word of the Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E, Quarantine!

[In a hospital]

Big Bird; Snuffelupagus... is that you?
Doctor: Oh, he must be hallucinating.
Snuffy: Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Big Bird: I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you can't get it, since you're not real. [Big Bird then dies]
Snuffy: Yeah, thank G-- [disappears]
Count von Count: [Handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street] One vaccine, a-hah-hah, Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!

[The show cuts to a separate bit]

Three Kids: One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is dead!
Announcer: Today's episode brought to you by the letters C.D.C.

[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.]

Bee: Hey, boys and girls, remember to bee yourself. [pauses] And don't fuck with us or we'll sting you all at once and kill you.
Sock Puppet #1: Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?
Sock Puppet #2: Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night.[The puppet master chuckles]

[A snail is slowly chased by a "police snail" with a siren and light on it's shell and holding a megaphone]

Police Snail: [extremely slowly] You are going too fast! Pull over immediately!
Santa Claus: [pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!
Professor: [Laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?

[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]

Robot: I live! This is awesome!

[walks downtown]

Robot: I'm alive, I'm alive!

[Townspeople scream in terror]

Robot: Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly!

[Breaks glass of jewelry store]

Robot: Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!
Police Men: Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!
Robot: I love you all!

[Police shoot at Robot]

Robot: I want to play too!

[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]

Robot: What a great game; I win!

[Dog barks at Robot]

Robot: Look at you.

[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog]

Robot: I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!
Professor: Well boys I hope you...oh my god!

[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]

Police Men: Freeze copkiller!
Professor: What, no!
Police Men: There'd better be a reason!

[Police start shooting]

Professor: [Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!
Announcer: Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots

Season 3

Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01]

[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard, where we see all the characters tomestones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]

Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. We're fixin' to renew, y'all.
Matthew: That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Keith Crofford: But at what cost?
Mike: You say something Keith?
Keith: No, no I didn't say anything. [Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains] Arrrgghh!!!!!!
Mike: Gravy cornbread!
Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator]
Mike: Oh, fuck!
Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator button) Come on, come on, coommee oonnn...
[Seth, writers and characters break through walls and ceiling, after Matthew and Mike]
Mike: Dang it! What do we do now?
Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]
Mike: Aw, you rattlesnake!! [eaten by zombies]
Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Yes! [Matthew exit the elevator, approaches a locked door; tried to open but still locked] No!
[the zombies wait patiently and quietly in the elevator]
Matthew: Noo!!! [Seth and other zombies exit the elveator; Matthew picks up his cell phone, reading the message WOW] Wow! Oh, wait. Oh, it's just Mom.
[the zombies dance to the ringtone, resembling the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Suddenly the ringtone stops.]
Matthew: No!!!! [the zombies stop dancing and are going to eat Matthew's brain] Look at the new contract! We get health benefits! Oh God, please don't eat my brains!
[Seth grabs the contract and discussing with the other zombies about health benefits. Cut to the writers lounge]
Mike Fasolo: [sighs] Smells like wet garbage in here.
Matthew: Yo, what do you guys want for lunch today?
Seth (zombie): Brains!
Doug (zombie): Brains!
Mike: Subway.
Tom (zombie): Brains.
Matthew: Brains it is.
Mike: Oh, I hate brains.

Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02]

[Isaac Newton is reading a book as an apple from a tree falls on his head]

Isaac Newton: Motherfucking, piece of shit! Take that! [roars as he plucks the tree and then throws it out]

[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toliet.]

Monster: Are you Timmy? [The little boy shakes his head no.] Dammit! I'll find him. [dissapears back in the toliet.]

[Ents running past a little girl.]

Little Girl: Run Forest Run!
Godzilla: So why are you here?
Godzilla Jr.: I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.
Godzilla: Yeah, but, why are you really here?
Godzilla Jr.: I wanna be king of the monsters.
Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bullshit that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that shit gonna get ya killed out here.
Godzilla Jr.: I'll do anything you want me to do.
Godzilla: [laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?
Godzilla Jr.: Not that good.
Godzilla: Well, you learn that shit then, brother, cos that shit gonna get ya killed. These motherfuckers out there be plottin' all types of shit on ya.
Godzilla: Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?
Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my shit is tight!
Godzilla: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]
Godzilla Jr.: What did you do!?
Godzilla: Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.
Godzilla Jr.: No, that was murder!
Godzilla: Open your eyes, son.
Godzilla Jr.: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!
Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.
Godzilla Jr.: No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.
Godzilla: Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got shit on me! [King Kong appears behind him and throws feces at Godzilla]

Rabbits on a Roller Coaster [3.03]

Tapping a Hero [3.04]

Old Woman: Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen--
Life Call employee: Pick alert at you service!
Old Woman: Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh... mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi--?

Shoe [3.05]

[Sonic gets caught in a spikestrip and bleeds to death]

SWAT 1: That stopped him.
SWAT 2: Yeah, but man, a spikestrip? I mean, couldn't we had tried a warning first?
SWAT 1: Yeah, we could've, but we didn't. Heh heh heh.
Beast-Man: Boss, this is taking forever.
Skeletor: Keep chopping, you drain clog! Once we harvest the energy of the oldest tree in Eternia, we can destroy Castle Grayskull once and for all!
Evil-Lyn: You know, Skeletor, based on our track record, this probably won't work.
Skeletor: Uh, life's a journey, not a destination.
He-Man: Not so fast, Skeletor! Trees are some of our precious resources.
Skeletor: Uhhh, who are you talking to?
He-Man: Your face!
Skeletor: Ow!
He-Man: You know what they say: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! [kicks Evil-Lyn in the groin]
[slapping Skeletor repeatedly] What, you're gonna cry now? Cry like a big baby?
Skeletor: Stop it! All right! Okay! All right! Okay, stop it! You know what? Okay, I don't even have tear ducts, you jerk!
He-Man: You know what you need? A good skull-fucking.
Skeletor: Wha-what?
He-Man: (hit behind the back with an axe) Ugh! What the--? (falls over dead)
Skeletor: Oh crap! Oh crap! Beast-Man, what did you do?
Beast-Man: I-I-I don't know! I thought he would block it or something, I mean... he's He-Man!
Evil-Lyn: This is the first murder in Eternian history! If the King finds out, it's guillotine for us all!
Skeletor: Oh God, oh God! Oh, we're up shit creek without a paddle, man!

Endless Breadsticks [3.06]

Pound Puppies: If you don't buy us, we get killed!
Lion-O: That's Mumm-Ra!

[Kicks the door down!]

Lion-O: Stop right there Mumm-Ra- Oh my god!
Mrs. Mumbletipeg: I have been embarrass moments!
Lion-O: He's getting away!
Mrs. Mumbletipeg: Ugh! You stupid Thundercats!

Yancy the Yo-Yo Boy [3.07]

More Blood, More Chocolate [3.08]

Bob the Builder: Why, someone left this job half-done. Can we fix it?
Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley: Yes, we can!
Union Guy: [surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
Bob the Builder: I'm sorry, who are you?
Union Guy: We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
Bob the Builder: We have all the equipment we need.
Union Guy: Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
Bob the Builder: No, but... [Goons push and pound Bob between them and Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
Spud: Can I play too?
Union Guy: Sure, asshole. [He rips off Spud's nose] Hope you like smelling what you ate.
[Pilchard the cat pounces on the Union Guy. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it.]
Bob the Builder: Spud! Don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
Spud: Aw, thanks, Bob.
[He resumes beating the goon as the Union Guy runs away]
Roley: Woo, rock and roll! [Steamrolls over the Union Guy]
Bob the Builder: Now dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop.
Scoop: [digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union Guy and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy pours cement on top]
All: Yay!
Spud: [screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna. Can we go home?
All: Yes, we can! Yay!

Celebutard Mountain [3.09]

Moesha Poppins [3.10]

News anchor: In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an i.

Ban on the Fun [3.11]

Spartan: (while watching Two and a Half Men] THIS...ISN'T...FUNNY!!
Spartan: (while at a party) THIS...IS...MARTHA!!
Spartan" (while eating dinner) THIS...IS...SCRUMPTIOUS!!
Scientist: (announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status) Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction... and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!
Man 1: Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.
Boo-Boo: What's going on Yogi?
Shaggy: Like what the f*** are you doing man?

Losin' the Wobble [3.12]

Reverse Flash: So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!
Flash: Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
Superman: At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Wonder Woman: Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?
Negative Wonder Woman: (wearing sleeves and stockings, dispaying her breasts and pubes) Hey Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!
Wonder Woman: Don't grab her or anything.
Superman: I grab her.
Flash: Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!
Barfly: You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [Two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey-- Ow! Ow! What's goin' on? Why are you touching--?
Announcer: Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Nerd: Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My-- argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
Civilian: You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Worker: Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing? No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]

Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13]

Monkey: "Sorry about AIDS. That was me."
Princess Adora: "Shut Up! Shut Up! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP!!!! What does it take to get a piece of quiet around here?"

[Everyone talked to her about attacking the place.]

Princess Adora: "You want She-Ra? Is that it? Huh? Here she comes!"

[She powers up with her sword.]

Princess Adora: "For the honor of grayskull, I AM SHE-RA!"

[Gets on it and starts flying to fight.]

She-Ra: "NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

[Kills anyone while fighting then gets bakn in there.]

She-Ra: NOW COULD I GET SOME F***ING SLEEP!?

[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]

Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?"
Papa Smurf " This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?"
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf."
Papa Smurf "That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer."

[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]

Grandpa Smurf: "I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain. [Flood water then crushes him]

[Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]

Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"

[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store.]

[Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]

Gargamel: "I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?"
Anderson Copper: " And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?"
Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf..."

[Begins to look around surprised]

Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf?"
Anderson Copper": "What is it Brainy?"
Brainy Smurf: "Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left!"

[Brainy starts crying.]

[Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]

Gargamel: "Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!."

[Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven.]

[Gargamel is at the dinner table]

Gargamel" Triumph at last hahhaha."

[Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away.]

Gargamel is on the phone ordering take-out looking deppresed " Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one." [Hangs up phone and sighs.]

Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special [3.14]

(on the ice pond)

[everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la A Charlie Brown Christmas.]

Franklin: Oh no! We’re late for Christmas play rehearsal!

Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Brown’s in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.

Kid: I love dancing repetitively!

[all kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person (we are looking from their POV) approaches him.]

(inside)

[Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to a bed by his blanket. Sally is by his side.]

Sally: Linus! You’re awake!

Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?

Sally: Because you’re going to write me the love letter I always wanted!

Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!

Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! (leaves)

Linus: Things look bad for ole Linus.

(outside of Snoopy’s dog house)

Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo… Can you help me find him?

[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin.]

[A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction.]

[Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air.]

Charlie Brown: *sigh* Good grief.

(inside)

Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.

Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water?

[doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus’ lap.]

Linus: Ahhhh!

(front door)

[Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for…]

Sally: Val Kilmer?

[Snoopy shakes his head no.]

Sally: Heeeey, you’re my brother’s dog!

[Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep.]

Sally: I shoulda known you’d figure it out. You’re always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That’s your name! It all makes sense now!

[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside.]

[Small scene where Sally dumps Snoopy’s dead body down into the cellar, a la Misery.]

(in Linus’ room. He is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand.]

Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!

Sally: Where’s my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn’t a love letter! It’s a cry for help! Did you think I’d let you mail it?!

Linus: But Sally, it’s Christmas!

Sally: You’re right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from A Charlie Brown Christmas, and places it between Linus’ ankles.] Does this tree look sturdy enough?

Linus: Uhhh, f-for what?

[Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus’ ankle on the tree, a la Misery.]

Linus: SCHUUUUUUUULZ!!!

[later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the "love letter."]

Linus: *sigh* It’s done.

Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter:] "Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please keep your eyes on them so you don’t notice the thing I’m about to do."

[as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally.]

Sally: Wow! I’m hu-

[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket’s hold on her throat.]

Linus: (as Sally begins to lose consciousness) Shhh, shhh. It’s almost over. Shhh.

[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters.]

Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Linus: I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!

Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can’t do anything right! Even my sister’s a psycho!

Linus: I never thought she was that bad. She wasn’t that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love.

[Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her.]

Linus: By the way, Val Kilmer’s dead.

Tubba-Bubba's Now Hubba-Hubba [3.15]

{We first see the Chief in her office.}

Chief: Time pilots, Carmen has stolen the Brooklyn Bridge! We need you to head to the year it was built, and bring back that bridge!

{Cut to Kevin and 3 time pilots.}

Kevin: You heard her, kids. We gotta retrieve the Brooklyn Bridge. {His cellphone rings.} Uh... I gotta take this. {talks on the cellphone.} Janine, I'm doing the show. I told you we talk about it later. {Janine: No, let me talk about it.} Well, I have more to say. {Janine: No, can--} No, not now! What the fuck? You want me to lose my job?! {Janine: I don't care--} Oh, nice! He's there now, isn't he? {Janine: Uh...} You motherfucking whore! But then I want my jacket back! {Janine: No way!} Yes way! My fucking jacket! {Janine: It was a gift!} NO!! A gift is something you give to someone you love, you dumb bitch! {turns off the cellphone.} Uh... hey, kids. Uh, that was the Chief again. And uh... she said she made a mistake. Carmen didn't steal the Brooklyn Bridge after all. She actually stole a magical leather jacket, and we need you help to get it back! So are you with me?

Time Pilot #2: What's the matter?

Kevin: And we're off!

{Cut to Kevin driving a car with the time pilots.}

Time Pilot #2: Are we supposed to be answering questions?

Kevin: I'll give ya questions. What year did that fucking bitch ruin my life? Don't know? Trick question! She ruined three fucking years of my life! Is this Franklin Street?

{Cut to Janine's House Entrance.}

Kevin: {Crying.} You whore! I loved you, and you fucked it all up! I gave this to you because it's ment something... STUPID! That was the day you said you loved me! What was that day, kids?

Time Pilots: November 8th.

Kevin: November Fucking 8th! Three points for you, kids.

{Cut back to Kevin and time pilots in his car, quiet for a moment, but then Kevin begins crying for 15 seconds before the screen cuts off to a strip club.}

Kevin: When did firemen first start using poles?

Time Pilot #1: 1878?

Kevin: BINGO!!

{Cut to Kevin in his car while the others are not.}

Kevin: Hooray! Carmen is safe!

Time Pilot #3: Where are we?

Kevin: I ask the questions!

{Kevin drives off, but then crashes onto a pole.}

Boo Cocky [3.16]

Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: You want something brainy on the TV. [Gunshot! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [Another gunshot! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]

Bionic Cow [3.17]

Marv: (narrating) I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

Monstourage [3.18]

(The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with Sprocket (his pet dog), and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock)
Doc: Well, my dog is always barking at that hole. So I figured there must be something down there.
Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but I've got something that'll fix the problem.
(throws something that looks like a flashlight or lantern down the hole)
Doc: Will that kill them all?
Exterminator: No, this is so I'll know where to throw this! (throws a grenade down the hole, ducks and covers Doc and himself)
Fraggles: (singing) Happy, happy day, Fraggles say it's a happy day, Happy, happy day, Nothing can go wrong...
(The grenade falls down into Fraggle Rock and explodes)
(The place starts to collapse)
Gobo: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! RUN!!!
(The place continues to collapse, with only Mokey, Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober and three nameless Fraggles making it out in time)
Gobo: Oh, this is bad!
Mokey: What are we going to do? We have no home.
Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle "Traveling" Matt's been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, I'll find us a new Fraggle Rock.
Wembley: WAIT! STOP!!
Gobo: What's wrong, Wembley?
Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! There's blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!
Gobo: You got to work on the "pre" part of prechification, douchebag. (kicks Wembley in the crotch)
Gobo: IN YOUR BALLS!
Mokey: (kicks him in the crotch) Take that!
Red: Yeah, kick the BALLS!
Boober: There you go.
Wembley: I now have a vagina.
(the Fraggles stop at a road; a vehicle zooms by)
Red: What was that?
Gobo: Uncle Matt says they're called, "Beep-Beep-Outta-the-Way-Assholes"! But they're harmless.
Driver: (beep beep) Out of the way, asshole!
(The Fraggles start crossing the road; all the vehicles try to dodge them)
Driver: Out of the way asshole!
(Two of the vehicles crash, setting a Green Fraggle; he screams as he burns to death)
Wembley: D-d-d-d-...death.
Gobo: (slaps Wembley) You should've warned us! I'm sure our troubles are all in the past.
(The Fraggles are being chased across the water by Sprocket)
Gobo: Hurry, it's right behind us!
(Sprocket catches one of the Fraggles and hurts him)
Purple Fraggle: Hey guys please kill me...kill me, please.
(The other Fragglesbeat him to death)
Purple Fraggle: Ow! NO! WAIT! STOP! OW! I'VE CHANGED BY MIND!
Gobo: Hang in there! We're almost done!
(They arrive at a farm)
Boober: I can't go on! Just leave me!
Mokey: We need food Gobo, we're starving.
Fraggle: I smell radishes!
(The Fraggle leaves and a strange noise is heard; the other Fraggles go behind the barn and find him being killed in a trap next to a radish patch.)
Gobo: He was right, look at all the radishes!
Fraggles: YAY!
Gobo: Eat up! There is plenty enough for everybody! (shoves a radish into the dying Fraggle's mouth to feed him as he rolls over dead)
(The Fraggles find their new home)
Gobo: We did it everyone! Now it's time to start repopulating!
Fraggles: YAY!
Wembley: Wait! I'm getting another vision! I see... I see... THAT I'M GONNA GET MY FREAK ON!!!
(Oil floods the home and the Fraggles are killed)

President Evil [3.19]

Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.

Chirlaxx [3.20]

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (to tune of "Baby Got Back This table's long, but it should be round King Arthur can't hear a sound When a knight tries to talk That brother's gotta walk 'bout half a freakin' block to be heard Can't hear a word 'cause this table is so absurd Us knights got much to discuss But this table's ridiculous
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear "Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty Can't even flirt with ladies Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal If you're trying to cop a feel We need a new proportion To bring our kingdom fortune I got an idea that might work for ya I'm-a make this mother circular Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down It's like King Arthur's crown Table be round! Table be round. Now with this circulation We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].

Season 4

Help Me [4.1]

Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck outta here? How about that?
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
Announcer: For when you wanna fuck! Yeah!

They Took My Thumbs [4.2]

Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.

[steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]

Wonder Woman: Whoa! What the fuck?!?

[Kid Flash giggles]

Wonder Woman: Give me those you little shittain!
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.

[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]

Wonder Woman: What happened?
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

I'm Trapped [4.3]

Skeletor: Behold! An invitation to King Randor's birthday party! This is our chance to conquer Castle Grayskull once and for all!
Evil-Lyn: I'm sure we're not on the guest list, Skeletor.
Skeletor: Of course not, you stupid shit! But what if we had a magical clone of He-Man?
Evil-Lyn: Well, I suppose, hypotheticly--
Skeletor: Uhh, we do! We have a magical clone of He-Man.
Beast-Man: Da da-da-da!
Skeletor: What the hell is this? Beast-Man, he's blue!
Beast-Man: Well, I'm half dog. Everything's shades are grey to me.
He-Man Clone: Me, He-Man!
Skeletor: Ugh, and his personal pronouns are all fucked up! I mean, where's the verb in that sentence? Gagh! [long pause] Eh, I'm a gambler.

In a DVD Factory [4.4]

[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing an RPG in a basement]
Kid in wizard hat: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Kid in knight helmet: That's a bunch of crap!

Tell My Mom [4.5]

(SPONGEBOB and SANDY CHEEKS are standing in his pineapple home.)

SPONGEBOB: But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your...Oh, you meant me...

Boy: Gee Casper, I wish we can play with you forever.

Casper: (holding up a bottle with poison) You can!

Annie: Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life--

Molly (interrupting): Actually we're very lucky Annie.

Annie: Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.

Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.

Annie: Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan--!

Molly: What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?

Annie: (silent, taken aback)

Molly: That's what you don't like?

Annie: Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.

(Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.)

Annie: Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!

Pepper: Yeah! I hate that bitch!

TIME JUMP: 6 months later

Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?

Molly's voice: Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!

Annie: Hmm...nope!

(Two thugs are harrassing an old man [McKay] in his bar. One holds a wooden board with a nail in it)

Thug 1: Nice place you got here pops. You should pay us for protection, make sure nothing... (nudges McKay with the board) happens to it.

McKay: Oh, I've got a policy with All-State, so I'm in good hands.

Thug 2: Oh, yeah? You insured against this? (knocks over the equipment he was leaning on)

McKay: Yes, that's in the policy

Thug 1: Well now your rates will go up, riiiight? (shoves the board into McKay's face)

McKay: Oh no! I can't afford that!

Thug 1: Ha ha ha! We'll be back for our money! Ha ha ha, big exit laugh! (both thugs leave)

Thug 2: (o.s.) Hehe, I hate small business owners!

McKay: (grabs a phone) Hello, operator? What's the name of those war criminals turned mercenaries who get paid to protect you from criminals who want to get paid for protection? (gasps) Oh yeah! The A-Team!

(Outside McKay's bar, a big, clunky black and red van drives up erratically, knocking down garbage cans and hitting a newspaper vending box)

McKay: How exciting! Hannibal, BA Baracus and the whole team!

Handy Ball: (smoking a very long cigarrette) Negatory on that communikay, chief. Ah, your credit's not good enough for the A-Team. We are the B-Team! (He hits the play button on a boom box which plays a cheap knockoff of the A-team theme song. The other three members of the team emerge.)

Handy Ball: (close-up of a muscular black man with a huge afro) G.D. "Generally Displeased" Barabus.

G.D: Better not be riding no trains! I like drinking my apple juice!

Handy Ball: (camera pans to a stereotypical gay man with a cravat) Noah "Assman" Hathaway.

Assman: Charms and kisses from me to you!

Handy Ball: (aside) He played Boxey on the original Battlestar Gallatica. (camera pans to a twitchy, spazzing man in a straight jacket) Captain F.N. "F***in' Nuts" Madlock.

Madlock: P-P-PLEASE make my memories go away!

Handy Ball: And I'm Handy Ball. Got that handle undercover in Hanoi. Don't ask why, and I won't tell.

McKay: Good golly, what is the C-Team like?

Handy Ball: Eh, a bunch of surly midgets.

(at the thugs' garage, the two are playing cards. The B-Teams van suddenly screeches to a halt outside with its theme music blaring. The team walks up to the thugs)

Handy Ball: Here's the deal boys: You leave town and my friend here doesn't change your zip-code to 0-0-0-my nose is broken.

G.D: I got sympathy for that 'tard! Grrrrr!

Thug 2: Uh, g-give us just a sec here.

(The thugs walk outside and close and lock the garage door.)

Handy Ball: Damn it, they tricked us!

Madlock: (kicks over a table and chair and screams) AAAAAH, I CAN'T TAKE IT! (he ambles around the garage, groaning and shivering)

(The rest of the team spots a lawn mower and various power tools around the garage)

G.D: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Handy Ball: I love it when a plans gonna come together eventually!

Assman: Let's do it!

G.D: I like using big tools!

(With their theme song playing, Handy Ball picks up a saw, G.D. a blowtorch, and Assman a chainsaw. Murdock comes onscreen with a rope wrapped around him, smiling and twitching. They are ready to plot their escape)

Title Card: [12 hours later]

(two cops open the garage with black gas billowing out, causing both of them to cough. Handy Ball, G.D. and Assman are lying on a crude construction of theirs, dead)

Cop 1:(coughs) Dead from carbon monoxide.

Cop 2: Oh! (Madlock suddenly swings into view and bumps into the cop, having hanged himself on the rope) Oh, my gosh! This is the worst thing I've seen since that old bar owner was beaten to death earlier today.

Cop 1: Hey, check this out. (presses play on the B-Teams boom box, and the two cops dance to the theme song)

Cop 2: Ooh. Take the tape.

(Channel Flip)

[outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song.]

BILLY JOEL: Pete is a real estate novelist.

PETE [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that’s me!

BILLY JOEL: That’s a cute way of saying “Pete’s broke.”

[PETE looks upset.]

BILLY JOEL: I’ll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,

PETE: Sheila?!

BILLY JOEL: Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke.

[PETE looks horrified.]

BILLY JOEL: My piano, it sounds like God’s symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor.

[A man puts money in BILLY’S tip jar.]

They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.

If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning,

And they’d blow their brains out on to the floor.

[The crowd begins to boo.]

La, da, di, da, da!

[BILLY pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent.]

La, di, di, dolly da!

Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I’ve sung!

Tell me I’m too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue!

[The song ends with a shot of BILLY smiling.]

[outside the bar, BILLY counts his “earnings”.]

BILLY JOEL: Great. All singles.

PETE [offscreen in a creepy voice]: Hey Joel!

[PETE comes up from behind and stabs BILLY repeatedly until BILLY finally falls over dead. PETE wipes his brow and sighs happily. PETE’S phone rings and he answers, also happily.]

PETE’S AGENT: Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.

[PETE closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as PETE looks to the sky and yells:]

PETE: POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]

TONY STARK: Who the Hell are you?

NICK FURY: Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

TONY STARK: At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the Hell are you? [camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]

NICK FURY: Run, stupid!

[He and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]

P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6]

Mario: You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. (takes a barrel) I keep it a-now.

Check-Out Man: Can I help you, sir?

Customer: Nope.

[The scene begins with the Joes from G.I. Joe are assembled and Duke presents them with a new member.]

Duke: Attention, Joes!

[Pan to Duke and the new recruit, Calvin; a sniper wearing a black suit and a sniper rifle on his back.]

Duke: I'd like to introduce you to our newest member, Calvin.

[Gung-Ho tosses him a beer.]

Gung-Ho: Welcome to the team, Calvin. You can call me Gung-Ho.

Calvin: Um, actually, I've never really been too crazy about "Calvin." So, if we could get to the codename part sooner rather than later?

Duke: Ah, will do. Will do. So, what do you think, gang?

Calvin: Well, as you can see, I like to wear black-

[Snake Eyes and Roadblock chuckle.]

Calvin: And, uh, not to boast, but I was at the top of my sniper class at West Point. So, maybe, "Deadeye?" Or how about "Killshot?" A-and you know what? I have a PhD; so maybe "Dr. Killshot." Huh? Paging Dr. Killshot. Pa-pow.

[Calvin's beer flies all over the place causing Calvin to slip and fall. The other Joes begin to laugh really hard at him.]

[Cut to Flint.]

Flint: Looks like someone had an accident.

[Cut to Gung-Ho.]

Gung-Ho: Way to go, Fumbles.

[Cut to Shipwreck.]

Shipwreck: "Fumbles." That's perfect.

[Cut back to Duke.]

Duke: Ah, that settles it! Welcome to the team, Fumbles.

[Calvin gets back on his feet.]

Calvin: What?! No, no, no, no. I'm an insanely talented sniper. I'm a doctor, for god's sake.

Spirit: Did everyone hear? It's Dr. Fumbles?

[The Joes start laughing again.]

[Cut to Scarlett and Lady Jaye.]

Scarlett: I think we should cancel our "Who's gonna f%$k the new guy first?" contest.

Calvin: No! No, no, no wait. Not Fumbles! Come on! You can call me "Sureshot" or "Triggerman!"

[Fumbles slips again and breaks the table all the Joes start laughing again.]

Gung-Ho: That is some classic Fumbles there.

[The alarm goes off.]

Duke: Enough fun, Joes! COBRA'S on the move! Fumbles, I want this mess cleaned up by the time we get back.

[The Joes head out and leave Fumbles behind.]

Fumbles: No, f#&k this! No, I quit!

[Cut to COBRA HQ with COBRA Commander holding a checklist and pencil.]

COBRA Commander: Welcome to COBRA, Calvin! You need a codename and-

[Cut to Fumbles in front of COBRA Commander.]

COBRA Commander: My, those are some fancy trousers you're wearing. I shall call you "TrouserSnake!"

Fumbles: Heh. I don't even care anymore.

[Cut to the Joes getting ready to attack and two fighter jets fly overhead.]

G.I. Joe: GO, JOES!

Everyone else: GO, JOES!

[G.I. Joe gets shot. Cut to Fumbles with his sniper set up.]

Fumbles: Wind 3.8 miles southwest. Mark velocity 7.8 kilometers per hour.

[Fumbles fires again and cuts back to Spirit.]

Spirit: What? What's happening?

[Spirit gets shot.]

Shipwreck: My god, I don't even hear the shots.

[Shipwreck's parrot gets shot, then he gets shot.]

Flint: For the love of all that's holy, get behind a tank!

[Flint gets shot in the throat. Snake Eyes jumps out with his swords looking for his opponent. He gets shot. Cut to Gung-Ho running back and forth through Fumbles' sniper lens.]

Gung-Ho: I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.

Fumbles: Hey, Gung-Ho...

[Fumbles shoots.]

Fumbles: Hold that thought.

[Gung-Ho's brain flies out of his head.]

Fumbles: Whoa-ho-ho. Fumble.

[Cut to Lady Jaye crying to Flint as the other Joes get shot by Fumbles. Eventually, she gets shot and cuts to all of the fallen Joes. Spirit's eagle circles around until it gets shot as well. Cut to Duke and Scarlett hiding behind a tank.]

Scarlett: Make it stop. Make it stop! Milton, is he gone?

[Scarlett looks over and she gets shot in the face.]

[Duke comes out of hiding.]

Duke: YOU MOTHERF$%KER! You killed everything I loved! Take me too! Take me too!

[Duke rips off his shirt. Cuts back to Fumbles.]

Fumbles: No. No, you live with it.

[Fumbles puts his sniper rifle back on his back as the members of COBRA look at the aftermath.]

COBRA Commander: Well, uh, great job, uh, TrouserSnake.

Fumbles: It's Fumbles. It was always Fumbles.

[Fumbles walks off.]

Love, Maurice [4.7]

Singer: I wanna rock!

[hits the ball off the Singer's head]

Willy Wonka: The strawberries tastes like strawberries, the snozberries tastes like snozberries.

Grandpa Joe: Eyuuu this tastes musty.

(Willy Wonka runs over finding out that Grandpa Joe licked a oompa loompa, he knocks on the wall)

Willy Wonka: DAMN OOMPA LOOMPAS!

[Open to the front of the palace in Celesteville]

[Fade in to the interior of the building, where King Babar is talking to Flora]

Babar: Hello, my dear.

Flora: Hello, father.

Babar: And what does the day have in store for you?

Flora: Well, I wanted to play hopscotch, but Marie wants to play skipping...

Babar: Didn't you play hopscotch yesterday?

Flora: Yes, and it was so much fun.

Babar: Well, if you ask me, skipping can be just as much...

[But before Babar can go on, Zephir comes running in]

Zephir: Babar! The revolution...has begun!

[A bunch of revolutionists burst in, trampling Zephir]

Babar: Oh! You heathens!

[A revolutionist knocks down a portrait, screaming]

Babar: Follow me! Run, run!

[A revolutionist points a gun at Flora, but Babar knocks him away]

Babar: Oh, unhand her!

[The commotion continues]

Revolutionist: Vive la revolution - uhkk!

[Cornelius impales the revolutionist on one of his tusks]

[Zephir is seen beating up a revolutionist upon his shoulders]

Babar: I'll save us!

[Babar whacks some revolutionists with his trunk]

[A revolutionist finally shoots Babar with tranquilizer darts, and is crushed when Babar falls on top of him]

[Zephir is still fighting with one of the revolutionists]

[Cut to the next scene: Babar has been captured and is under a guillotine]

Executioner: Any last words?

[Babar trumpets in defiance and has his head severed]

[Babar's trunk flops before he dies, while the revolutionists are cheering in the background]

Two Weeks Without Food [4.8]

[In the land of Oz, Dorothy is departing wth the help of her ruby slippers]

DOROTHY: There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

[She dispaaears as the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion bid her farewell: thw Wizard appears]

WIZARD: Is that Kansas skank gone? Sweet! Back to business as usual.

LION: But why?

WIZARD: Ooh, remember when I said I was a very bad wizard? Well, case in point. Ha!

[Shoves his hand into Scarecrow's forehead, removes his brain]

WIZARD: I'll just take that brain back!

[The Wizard's men push Tin Man into a trash compactor, which compacts him into a cube; his heart pops out, and the Wizard begins to eat it]

LION: B-b-but my courage, i-it's more of a concept, really.

[You later see the Lion as a taxedermy rug in the Wizard's parlor, with the Tin Cube being used as an adaman and the Scarecrow's body re-stitched as a wall decoration]

WIZARD: *sigh* It's good to be the Wizard.

GUARD: Sir, Glinda the good witch is here.

WIZARD: Bring me my rape shoes.

Announcer: Great moments in dumb kid history.

Kid: (having a faceful of shaving cream and a razor in his hand) I wanna be just like daddy. (slowly places the razor on his left cheek)

(Outside, the kid is in a casket that is being lowered, while his mother is crying, due to his death)

(Channel Flip)

But Not In That Way [4.9]

News anchor: And now, for the weather...

Lion-O: Thunder, thunder, thunder!

News anchor: And now, sports.

Black Manta: The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinkin', "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen."
[Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him - not "ha-ha" funny, nor "stab-stab" funny.
Joker: Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'"
[through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your chatroom dedication.
Riddler: Yes!
Black Manta: He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
Sodomite: Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good.
Black Manta: And despite appearances, we became friends.
Joker: I hear you're a man can get things.
Black Manta: Well, that depends.
Joker: I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
Black Manta: That may take time.
Joker: Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
Batman: Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? Joker, you better be sick or dead in there, I shit you not!
Black Manta: I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
Batman: What the hell?
Black Manta: The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
Batman: Think you can the sewer line, huh, Joker? Not with the Batman on your tail!
[in the sewer pipe...] Ugh! Smells like Batman Forever!
Joker: [laughing] Sucker!
Black Manta: But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Joker: Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Batman: Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Joker: Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
Batman: Oh, God, oh, God!
Black Manta: Batman crawled through a river of shit 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables - again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman. [rain and music immediately stops]
Batman: Oh, come on!
Black Manta: Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny. [Batman hears Joker laughing, walks off disappointed]

I Love Her [4.10]

{The Living Lohan Title card is shown}

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.

Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the f***ing orange juice?

Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the f***ing Orange Juice Fairy did it!

Dina: Don't get smart with me!

Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!

Both: I NEED A CIGARETTE!!

Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

{Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.

Ali: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.

Ali: I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Aren't you a little young to be smoking?

Ali: Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}

Daniel's Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: What? Awww, poop!

{Goes to Lindsay's kitchen}

Lindsay Lohan: Go to hell, mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. {makes "cut" sign to camera man} I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! {doorbell rings} Who in god's green Smurf are you?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!

Lindsay: Okay, nothing you said made any sense!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Don't let your dog go poopie!

Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

{At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Firebolt! Firebolt!

Terrence: Freethyro! Freethyro!

Nerd: Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...

Lindsay: Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! {hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence}

Terrence: Hey!

Lindsay: Loud horn! F*** You! Good job, Herbie!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.

Lindsay: Herbie is magic, idiot! {kicks nerd down} Beep beep!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it!

Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.

Munson: ...and in this corner, it's Munson! {steps on Terrence}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Get out of here, Munson!

Munson: {Knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him} Munson one, gay crap zero!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!

Lindsay: Beep, beep!. {Looks at Munson} Oooh, a bad boy!

Munson: Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. {slaps Gyro-Robo} Hey baby!

Lindsay: I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!

{Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV}

Lindsay: Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!

Dina: Well, so am I!

Lindsay: Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!

Dina: F*** You!

Ali: Why didn't anyone pick me up after my f***ing ultrasound?!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Ah, looks like I'm moving again.

Dina: I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!

We Are a Humble Factory [4.11]

News Reporter: ...and to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

(A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones)

Nature guide: Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves?

(The students pause, then continue to play with their phones)

Nature guide: Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.

(Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it)

Nerd: But...what about the leaves?

(He sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl")

Nerd: Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun No Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm....

(He imagines what it would be like if he were)

(The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself)

Nerd: (Gasps) Oh, my Gosh! I've got - and I've - and this is - and these are - ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!

(The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store)

Harry Knowles: That will be $68.50... (The Nerd flashes him) (Gasps) By which I mean free!

Nerd: What wonderful powers! Hee hee!

(The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, Elektra Natchios from Elektra, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman from Batman)

Nerd: (as Lara Croft) Hmmm... any tombs you'd like to raid? (as Elektra Natchios) The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. (as Tifa Lockhart) This may be your final fantasy. (as Catwoman) How about a look at these jewels, Batman?

(The Nerd is seen wandering through the girls' shower)

Nerd: La chee do ti do... Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.

Blond Girl: Oh... let us help you!

Nerd: That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! (Moans)

Second Girl: Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?

Blond Girl: Hey, yeah!

(The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up)

Girls: Eww!

(The girls start beating up the Nerd)

Blond Girl: Gross!

Nerd: Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. (The red-haired girl jumps on him) Whoopee!

(The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring)

Nerd: Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! Splash, splash, splash!

(The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring)

Nature guide: And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago. Was she hot? The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...

(The Nerd is shocked)

Nerd: Oh, no!

(Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt)

Kaitlin: Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. (Before he can speak, the Nerd farts) Eww!

Nerd: Dang it.

(He farts a few more times before the channel surf effect)

(Triple H is in the ring with a referee and carrying a belt)

Triple H: John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
JR: (At the announcer table with another announcer) That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
Triple H: I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
(Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro)
JR: IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
Announcer: And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie (An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota) "Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems" opens Friday at theaters across the country!
Dakota: (snatches the microphone from Triple H) I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...(whisper outside the mike) The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! (Then she starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed)
JR: IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
Dakota: (Toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher) Here comes a good part! (Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process)
JR: THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
(Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring)
JR: It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too.
(Instead, he saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face)
JR: OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! (An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen) "Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems" opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

Maurice Was Caught [4.12]

Kermit the Frog: Yeah!

Kids: “Start sharing!”

Kid: -I like sharing.

Kermit: -Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it.

(Clapping)

Kermit: Hi, ol’ Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?

Gordon the Gecko: -There is just 1% of this country, Owns half its country as well. -5,000,000,000,000—

Count von Count: -1,000,000,000,000!

(Laughs)

Gordon: Shut up. Greed work, greed work.

Kid: My dad says being greedy is bad.

Gordon: Your dad pours some out of your heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, -to sit here and sing songs?!

Kermit: -Ok, Gordo! It’s time to get back to the office.

Gordon: The first place I ever bought, $800,000.

Kermit: Ok, who wants a healthy snack?

Kids: A lot of dollars!

Gordon: You have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids.

Kermit: Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number “Douchebag!”

Unionizing Our Labor [4.13]

(A car driving down the highway is pulled over by tow motorcycle cops.)

(The officers get off their cycles and walk over to the women in the car. One of them removes his helmet.)

Lady: I'm sorry, officer, did I do something wrong -- aaah!

(It's revealed that the officers are a pair of Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Both of them start feeding on the women.)

(The creatures are seen driving down the road on their cycles. A scene reminiscent of the opening sequence to CHiPs shows the word "CHuDs" appearing on the screen.)

[1984 Libertarian party convention]

Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!

Candidate #2: 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!

Candidate #1: Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!

Singer #1: [to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff...

[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]

Candidate #1: Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.

Candidate #2: In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.

Candidate #1: But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.

Candidate #2: We are family! We are family!

Candidate #1: Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!

Singer #2: [to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!

[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]

Candidate #2: Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.

Candidate #1: So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?

Candidate #2: Sadly, The OJs wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".

Candidate #1: Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!

Candidate #2: Next stop, the White House.

Candidate #1: Toot toot! All aboard!

Singer #3: [to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth (come on). Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo (yeah), ride the Friend Choo-choo.

[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]

Candidate #2: Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.

Candidate #1: During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.

Candidate #2: My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.

Candidate #1: These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.

Candidate #2: So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".

Candidate #1: [stammers]

Candidate #2: I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!

Candidate #1: Airborne minidirt, y'all!

Singer #4: [to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

(Three students can be seen seated in their desks)

(The professor is writing on a chalkboard as he speaks)

Professor: So, as you can see, the square root of negative one is the imaginary number I.

(The front row student's head suddenly explodes)

(A long pause)

Student: I don't get it... Oh, now I get--- (head explodes)

PAPA: (Taking a dump, sigh) Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is... gee, Smurfette, shocker... (Flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing) Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!

(Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud)

HANDY: The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!

PAPA: Well Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.

HANDY: You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!

(Meanwhile)

ALLSTAR: Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!

GAILEO: Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!

ALLSTAR: So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?

GAILEO: It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!

(Cuts to a scene with three smurfs, they see something in the sky)

SMURF 1: Are those flying fish!?

GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish!

SMURF 1: Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?

GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- (A fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three smurfs)

(More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell)

ALLSTAR: I-I really have an ethical problem with this...

GAILEO: What? They're volunteering. (to the fish while lighting its fuse) Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!

(back on the battlefield)

PAPA: TO ME MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!! (There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying)

DEAF: I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!

PAPA: You couldn't hear before! your name is "Deaf Smurf" for God's sakes!

DEAF: OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.

(Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other smurf)

VANITY: See? like Braveheart. (Other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out)

(Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes)

SNORK: (Gasps) A present! (The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process)

ALLSTAR: EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! (Time slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs)

BRAINY: Everyone listen to me, wer'e gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.

SMURF 2: Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!

BRAINY: Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... (Sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, Brainy is nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body)

BRAINY: (Amazed) Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! (dies)

(Back on the battlefeild, the smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the smurfs.)

DAFFNEY: Stop it you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!

(One of the smurfs stop dead in his tracks)

SMURF 3: Are you a- are you a- a female!?

DAFFNEY: Well, sure I am, why?

(Two more smurfs appear on screen)

SMURF 4: We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! (Directs attention towards Smurfette) This tired, old, worn out whore over here!

SMURFETTE: HEY!

(Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty)

PAPA: So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.

(Snorks all cheer)

GOVERNOR: And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.

(Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence)

PAPA: ...to masturbate to?

GOVERNOR: Yes, to masturbate to (Governor and Papa shake hands, the smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the smurfs)

DAFFNEY: Unbelievable, rotten scumbag men (Grunt)

(ROBOT CHICKEN CREDITS ROLL)

(A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell)

SATAN: HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!

(fish does just that)

STINGER: END

President Hu Forbids It [4.14]

[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]

YEOMAN: Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]

[Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]

JOKER: Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.

MAN #1: Oh, my God!

JOKER: However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?

MAN #2: Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.

GIRL: No, he said we decide.

MAN #3: Then I decide that neither boat blows up!

CAPTAIN: Wait, wait...so, we vote?

WOMAN: No, we... we just press a button, I think.

MAN #4: I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?

MAN #5: Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.

(passengers agree)

JOKER: That's not a choice!

MAN #5: Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.

JOKER: (sighs) I will blow up both the boats-

MAN #1: Oh my God!

JOKER: -unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.

MAN #5: Uh, w-what are the other options?

JOKER: There are no other options.

OLD LADY: Ask him when both boats blow up.

JOKER: MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!

CAPTAIN: Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!

JOKER: No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.

MAN #6: You never said that!

JOKER: I did, way back in the beginning.

MAN #5: You better go over the rules again.

[the Joker is clearly exasperated]

JOKER: Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight-

[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board.]

Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15]

(An elephant wearing a slacker's outfit and a gold chain is wandering around the garbage-littered streets.)

Narrator: One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school.

(Morton sits down on the steps.)

Narrator: He was chillin' on the stoop, just peacin' on the block...

(A tiny object lands on his trunk.)

Narrator: ...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...

Morton: I could sell this, make five or six bucks!

Narrator: But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...

Voices: What, what!

(Morton bends down close to the rock and listens.)

Narrator: Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville.

(The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background.)

Narrator: They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...

What-Whatians: What, what!

(The screen cuts back to Morton.)

Narrator: Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive.

(Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids.)

Narrator: He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...

Kangaroo: (stammering) M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your c-c-c-COCK for that crack!

(A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo.)

Narrator: Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...

What-Whatians: What, what!

(The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams.)

Announcer: Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?

Ex-Girlfriend: I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

(The Beatles Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison and Ringo Starr are all singing in the Yellow Submarine.)

Beatles: We are sailing unerwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...

Captain: Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!

Paul McCartney: Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.

Ringo Starr: I still have sand in me mouth. (He spits out sand.)

Captain: Shh! Look!

(An image of a submarine appears on the radar.)

John Lennon: Sandwiches are me bread and butter.

Paul McCartney: Good one, John.

Captain: Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded Blue October! I'm gonna send them a ping.

(Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side.)

(Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping.)

Meanie Captain: Was that a ping?

Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir!

Meanie Captain: You know we don't say "yes" in Meanie Land.

Meanie Lieutenant: I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?

Meanie Captain: No...

Meanie Lieutenant: No?

Meanie Captain: No... I said, "no"... Do you understand?

Meanie Lieutenant: No.

Meanie Captain: Ping them back.

Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.

(The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine.)

Captain: They pinged us back!

Paul McCartney: I know. My ears are still pinging.

John Lennon: Hey, I have an idea. What's the most important thing in the world?

Ringo Starr: Acid.

John Lennon: After that?

Ringo Starr: Love.

John Lennon: That's right. Maybe those meanies in the Blue October don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.

Paul McCartney: There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.

Captain: Oh...

Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...

Meanie Captain: They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.

Meanie Lieutenant: Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us!

(The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side.)

(Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown.)

Meanie Officer: Open the glove compartment! Fire!

(The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front.)

Captain: Another submarine fired a glove at the Blue October!

John Lennon: I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.

Captain: You're crazy! We'll all die!

George Harrison: Who cares? We're just cartoons.

Ringo Starr: "Spull feed" ahead!

(The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove.)

(Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub.)

Second Meanie: Should I arm the glove, sir?

Meanie Officer: Yes... Yesss! (jumps up and down) No!

(The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.)

Ringo Starr: Oh, look, a hole.

(Ringo picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up.)

Meanie Officer: What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope!

(The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it.)

Meanie Officer: Ohh... fuck.

(The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes.)

(The Beatles and the Captain cheer on.)

Paul McCartney: Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?

Ringo Starr: I didn't. I'm on acid.

John Lennon: Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.

Ringo Starr: Really?

Paul McCartney: No.

Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...

(Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing.)

[Scene starts with burglars at a bank heist. Alarms sound]

Bank Robber: Where's that new driver you hired?

[Toad and his kart rush into the scene. The burglars hop in]

Bank Robber: Who the hell are you?

Toad: I'm the best!

Bank Robber: Let's go.

Toad: There's four of you.

Bank Robber: Who cares! Now drive!

Toad: The deal was transportation for three men, whose combined weight does not exceed 250 kilo.

Bank Robber: Well this is a new deal, now drive.

Toad: One of you has to go!

Bank Robber: Are you nuts! They're almost here!

[A burglar shoots another burglar then takes his bag of money]

Toad: That's better (laughs) Here we go!

[Toad and the burglars begin to drive off with the police pursuing them]

Bank Robber: Aw, man! They're gaining on us.

Toad: I always come prepared.

[Toad presses the banana button, which sends bananas on the road]

Policeman #1: What are you kidding me?! Banana peels?!

[The bananas cover the windshield]

Policeman #2: Actually, they're surprisingly effective.

[The police car slides out of control, then another police car shows up]

[Toad presses the green shell button, three green shells pop out]

Policeman #2: Are those green turtles?

Policeman #1: Whatever they are, they're getting shot (pulls out a shotgun)

Policeman #2: No! Green turtles are endangered!

[Policeman #2 grabs the gun and gets shot, Toad fires the green shells at the police car]

[Toad presses the golden mushroom button three times]

Toad: Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo!

[They are heading towards two police cars blocking their path]

Bank Robber: You're not going to try to smash through that, are you?

Toad: I already told you, I'm the best! Yahoo!

[Toad presses the star button on the steering wheel and knocks the police cars out of the way]

[While invincible, Toad presses the golden mushroom button four times and knocks all obstacles in their path]

[Toad and the burglars drive in a valley]

Toad: Don't worry, they won't follow us out here.

[Police sirens, the police have caught up]

Bank Robber: I thought you said they wouldn't follow us.

Toad: Once we're across that bridge, we're home free!

Bank Robber: He's gaining on us, do something.

Toad: We're almost there.

Bank Robber: He's gonna catch us, use one of the things!

[The panicked burglar presses the blue shell button]

Toad: No! Not that one!

[The spiny shell flies through the valley]

Toad: The blue turtle shell always seeks out...

[The blue shell flies towards Toad and the burglars]

Toad: ...The lead car (sighs)

[The blue shell soon hits the kart and sends them over a cliff]

The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16]

Graph Guy: Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?

Internet Executive: I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!

{Music Begins: Download the Free MP3 (Some rights reserved under creative commons license)}

Cocoa Vampire: Oooooooooo... Chocolate Grain (Subscribe!), Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff (**Breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe). Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy (Buy the SHIRT!). Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocotate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!

Graph Guy: Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?

Internet Executive: Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!

Girl: Oh... (Giggling)

Executives except for Internet Executive: (vomit)

{Channel Flip}

[a man gives a nurse at a blood bank a cup of sperm]

MAN: Here you go.

NURSE: Sir, this isn't a sperm bank, it's a blood bank.

MAN: Then how did you expect me to fill the cup?

Batman: I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!

Two-face: Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die!

[Two-face flips coin, it comes up tails.]

Two-face: Huh, death!

[Batman lunges at Two-face accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer.]

Two-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

Batman: I'm sorry Harvey.

Two-face: Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name.

[Two-face turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face.]

Two-face: Three-face!

[Three-face pulls out a three sided die.]

Three-face: This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together.

[Three-face rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two.]

Three-face: Ohuh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE!

[Three-face lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed.]

Batman: Watch out for that bleach!

[Three-face falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face.]

Three-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

[Batman meets Three-face on top of a roof.]

Batman: Three-face I'm really sorry about the hospital.

Three-face: Call me by my real name.

[Three-face turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face.]

Three-face: Four-face!

[Four-face pulls out four straws.]

Four-face: I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.

Batman: Alright Four-face I'll play your game!

[Batman hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second.]

[Cut to a diner where Four-face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasent meal, Four-face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup.]

Four-face: Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!

Batman: Hmm... The soup's not bad either.

Four-face: Oh yeah, can I try some?

[Four-face grabs for Batman's soup.]

[Batman tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-face.]

Batman: WAIT HARVEY NO!!

[The soup splashes against Four-face's face burning him on contact.]

Four-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

THE END

Mr. Spacely: Jetson, have you finished your report?

George Jetson: It's right here in my briefcase Mr. Spacely!

(He opens it up and the Jetsons car grows up, and kills the workers execpt for George and Spacely)

Mr. Spacely: JETSON!

(Two executives of the Jim Henson company are at a desk.)

Executive 1: Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!

Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.

Executive 1: We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.

(Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)

Jen: Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal!

(The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.)

Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum...

(The UrRus start humming rhythmically)

Jen: Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-I-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!

(Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.)

Jen and Chorus: Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.

Fizzgig: Whassup, y'all?

(Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.)

Jen: Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is fucking hot!

Jen and Chorus: Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go...

(The UrRus start humming rhythmically)

Jen: Yeah.

Chorus: That's the end of the Dark Cristal...

Jen: Hoes!

(Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.)

Executive 1: Well, we failed you, Jim.

(The executives commit suicide by drinking poison.)

Executive 2: Aaah... Sweet... relief...

(They stagger off to die.)

Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17]

Singers: Adventure, venture, VENTUUUURE! Action, excitement, ADVENTUUURE! Horse race, on switch, magic spoon, adventure! Some sights you have never seen, with a myth, imagine! Hedoman, imaginations, could not go empty handed! Adventure, adventure, adventure, adventure, adventure, adventure, adventure, adventure, ADVENTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE!!!

Inmate (talking to Monopoly pieces): Hey, man. What'chu in for?

(Sarah Connor comes in with Cameron, the Terminator while her son, John is playing a video game.)

Sarah: John, this is Cameron, your new Terminator.

(John immediately stops what he's doing.)

John: WOW!

(As Sarah is speaking, John looks at Cameron with lust. He looks up and down at her.)

Sarah: She'll follow your commands, defend you from danger, and never, ever quit.

(John salutes to his mother while he's speaking, and looks at Cameron again.)

John: Understood, mom. I'll take her on a test run to determine her full capabilities.

(Cameron is now seen looking at naked teenage girls in a shower room. She stops.)

Cameron: Video memory: full.

Girl #1: What did you say?

(We now see the naked girl through Cameron's eyes, as she chooses which lie/excuse to say. It says "I'm recording nudity for John", "F##k off, asshole", "I said yo' mama's a whore", "Serenity on DVD makes a perfect stocking stuffer", "Mekka-lekka hi, mekka hinie ho!", and "My vagina's bleeding." Now, back to our perspective.)

Cameron: I said....my vagina's bleeding.

Girl #1: (freaked out): Oh....

(Now, we see Cameron, holding books, and John walking outside. A bully and his friends are also present.)

Bully: Oh, look everybody! Here comes Cry-Baby Johninee! You want another wedgie, Cry-Baby? Won't ya cry it off?

(Bully makes annoying baby sounds. Cameron drops her books and grabs the Bully's face. She rips off his face! The bully screams and his friends run away. John touches suggestively.)

John: You're so hot.

(Now, we are back at home, where Sarah is seen handling her gun while humming. John and Cameron come to his room door.)

John: One last system to check out, mom!

(They enter John's room. Sarah puts the front of her gun in her eye checking for something. Now, we hear faint humping and grunting sounds - John is having sex with Cameron. Sarah notices this, and drops her gun in shock.)

John: Yeah! Mmmm...YEAH! OH! Just like a real girl! SAY IT!

Cameron: Cum (come) with me, if you want to live!

(Sarah puts her hand in her face, and shakes her head in shame as John continues.)

John: AH! Yes! YES!

[Cobra Commander drives up to the drive-thru]

Male Voice: Care to try our bonus meal?

Cobra: No! Why asssssssk that assssss if you could influenccccccce my decccccccision right before I order?

Male Voice: What would you like, sir?

Cobra: Yes, I'll have a ssssssssmall sssssssssssprite and--

Male Voice: Could you repeat that? I'm getting a bit of a hissing noise.

Cobra: I sssssssssaid I'll have a ssssssssssssmall ssssssssssprite and--

Male Voice: Could you speak more clearly, sir?

Cobra: [groans frustratedly]

Destro: Tell him I want seven supersized special sandwiches.

Baroness: With sweet and sour sauce.

Cobra: You're all doing this on purposssssse!

Major Bludd: I'll have a hamburger.

Cobra: Thank you, SSSSSSSebastian.

Major Bludd: [Baroness whispers to him] Oh, with a strawberry shake.

Cobra: Ahhh!!

[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face]

[Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]

Finch: Ready to talk, Mockingbird?

[Mockingbird spits out some blood]

Mockingbird: (mocking) "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"

Finch: Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!

[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]

Scout: Coast is clear, Finch.

Finch: Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!

[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings]

[He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]

Scout: Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!

[A character in a red bird costume shows up]

[Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]

Scout, Finch, and Jem: Yeah!

[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom]

[It's revealed that this was all part of a report]

Student: And... that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee... Harper... Oswald or whoever...

Teacher: Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh?

[The teacher whacks the student upside the head]

[Mr. Roarke and Tatoo appear]

MR. ROARKE: Smiles, everyone, smiles. Our guests are here to have their fantasies come true.

[the guests arrive]

MR. ROARKE: I trust your flight was enjoyable.

TOURIST #1: Yeah, it was great. Enough with the chit-chat, though. When do I get to fuck a donkey?

MR. ROARKE: I-I beg your pardon?

TOURIST #1: [slowly] When do I get to fuck a donkey?

MR. ROARKE: Surely you have another fantasy you'd like to-

TOURIST #1: No. Now are you gonna make it happen or am I gonna have to kick your ass?

TOURIST #2: Woah, woah, woah. My fantasy is to kick his ass.

MR. ROARKE: What?

TOURIST #2: Yeah, I wanna beat the motherfucking shit out of your foreign-ass head. That's my fantasy!

MR: ROARKE: No, no no, no. Your fantasies are supposed to involve an identical twin, or a family member being brought back to life for a day, or imagine being the president of your own country.

TOURIST #3: Does that midget do anal?

TATOO: Si. Yes I do.

[The Nerd is in his bedroom, finishing a Wizard of Oz book]

NERD: Man, I wish I could visit the Land of Oz. That would be so cool. Sooooo cooooool... Actually, it'd be much cooler to visit a topless beach in France. THAT would be so cool. Sooooo cooooool...

[He falls asleep, you then see him run out of an old farmhouse]

NERD: Hello, French boobies! [discovers he's in the land of Oz] Aw, dang it.

MUNCHKIN: Put on these ruby slippers and follow the Yellow Brick Road.

NERD: Do you have any roads that go to topless beaches?

MUNCHKIN: Perhaps there are topless beaches in the Emerald City... b-but probably not.

NERD: Can I tap these shoes together three times and wish...

MUNCHKIN: To go to a topless beach? No! The story don't work that way, kid.

[You then see the Nerd wearing drag walking down the Yellow Brick Road]

NERD: [Unenthusiastically] Here I am, having an adventure in the Land of Oz. Yay.

[The Scarecrow appears]

SCARECROW: Well, hi-ya. My head is stuffed with straw.

NERD: Hi, that's pretty neat I guess. [To himself] Wait, this is my dream. So, if I want it to be super cool, all I have to do is dream it. Be super cool... Be super cool... Be super cooool... BE IT!

[And just like that, the Scarecrow transforms into Eric Draven]

ERIC DRAVEN: I...Seek...Vengeance...

NERD: Yes!

[Nerd and Eric come into contact with the Tin Man]

TIN MAN: If I only had a heart.

ERIC DRAVEN: Then take mine. It's brought me nothing but pain.

NERD: Hang on, let me try something. Be super cool...

[Suddenly, Tin Man becomes Optimus Prime]

OPTIMUS PRIME: Let's transform and roll out and stomp a mud hole in some Decepticon ass so hard we won't stop 'till we're wearing socks made of dry shit!

NERD: Oh, yes!

[You then see the Nerd, Eric Draven, and Optimus Prime skipping down the Yellow Brick Road singing like a bunch of idiots, they then encounter the Cowardly Lion]

COWARDLY LION: Rawr. I'm just a big old cowardly-

NERD: BE SUPER COOL!

[The Lion turns into Lion-O]

LION-O: Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats!

[The Nerd giggles like a schoolgirl: meanwhile, the Witch is watching them through her crystal ball]

WITCH: Ohh, I must have those ruby slippers!

FLYING MONKEY #1: Jeez, chicks and shoes. Am I right fellas? Ha!

WITCH: Flying monkeys, bring me the Nerd and his pathetic friends!

[the Nerd, Eric Draven, Optimus Prime, and Lion-O burst through her wall]

OPTIMUS PRIME: OH, YEAH!

WITCH: What the FUCK?

NERD: Did somebody order some ruby slippers?

WITCH: Okay, fellas. Take it easy.

NERD: Cause here's a special delivery...

NERD, ERIC DRAVEN, OPTIMUS PRIME, AND LION-O: RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!

WITCH: GET THEM!

[The flying monkeys attack; Lion-O pulls out his sword]

LION-O: Thunder! Thunder! THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOOOO!

[Tries to attack the monkeys, but fails]

LION-O: Can't-ugh-quite--reach them.

NERD: Keep saying "thunder"!

LION-O: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunder!

[Lion-O spins his sword around like a tornado, effectively killing the monkeys]

LION-O: Ha, ha, ha, yeah! Thunder, thunder, thunder!

[Optimus Prime tries to shoot the monkeys, but fails]

OPTIMUS PRIME: They're too fast!

NERD: Just transform, trust me!

[Optimus transforms, a trailer appears and kills a passing monkey]

OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh, now that's just prime.

NERD: Your magically appearing trailer irritated fans of the cartoon, but now it's your greatest weapon!

[Optimus repeats the transformation cycle twice]

OPTIMUS PRIME: Ten-four, good buddy. Yeah! In your grill! From the left!

FLYING MONKEY #2: [To Eric Draven] Ha, ha! You'll never win!

ERIC DRAVEN: It doesn't matter. Existence is nothing but frustration and pain. Everything you love eventually leaves you. Misery...is your only constant friend.

FLYING MONKEY #2: You're right. [hangs himself]

[Eric wipes a tear from his eye; Nerd takes out the last two flying monkeys]

NERD: Smash!

[The four boys back the Witch into a corner]

WITCH: oh, oh. Come on, now, fellas, I was just playing around with that "kill them" thing. (chuckles) Let's just take it easy.

NERD: Well, there are only two ways to kill a wicked witch, and I don't see any falling farmhouses around here. Hee hee hee!

[With that, the four boys proceed to urinate on the Witch, thus causing her to melt]

WITCH: Oh, no! No! Nooooo! I'm Melting! Melting...melting.....what a world.....

NERD: There's only one way this dream could get even better!

[Suddenly, they all arrive at - you guessed it - a topless beach in France]

NERD, ERIC, OPTIMUS, AND LION-O: FRENCH BOOBIES! YAAAY !

Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18]

Cop: You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?

Marty: Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19]

Bumblelion: I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me - I'm a bumblebee and a lion!

Eleroo: And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.

Butterbear: You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?

[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee.]

Lion: OW! What the hell!? You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here.

[The lion turns arond to have sex with the bumblebee.]

Lion: Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!

[Goes back to the three Wuzzles.]

Bumblelion: UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?

[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex.]

Elephant: Now, this might hurt a little.

[In a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams. Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles.]

Eleroo: EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?

[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman.]

Donkeyhuman: (brays) As far as I know...

Other 3 Wuzzles (interrupting Donkeyhuman): *all at once* Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

Dear Consumer [4.20]

Season 5

Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]

Saving Private Gigli [5.2]

Carl Fredricksen: So long assholes!

[before Carl's house flies up to a construction site, the balloons release themselves taking Carl's chimney. As a result, the house fall and kill the construction workers. Police sirens are heard]

Carl Fredricksen: I won't last ten days in prison.

Judge Prickle: Blockheads, you are charged with murder in the first degree of Glenn Gumberson, A.K.A. Gumby.

(FLASHBACK!!!)

Blockhead J: (Warns Gumby by sticking out hammer)

Gumby: (Spits on J's face)

Blockhead J: (Beats eyeballs out of Gumby and steps on those suckers)

(Before final smash, back to court scene. T-Rax slams gavel.)

Judge Prickle: Has the jury reached?

Gumby's Lookalike Juror: Guilty as s***!

Judge Prickle: Sentencing scheduled for........ now. And it is death. (Slams gavel)

Blockheads G and J: (Shiver)

(G and J are placed in Play-Doh machine, come out in clay strips)

Citizens: (Cheer)

Pokey: (Scrapes dirt into grave, craps on them)

Channel Flip

Terms of Endaredevil [5.3]

Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4]

Doctor: Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.

Kramer Vs. Showgirls [5.5]

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing American Pie, the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]

Announcer: And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your cock in McDonald's apple pie.

Woody: Okay guys, Andy's almost home from college for spring break.

(Toys all cheer)

Slinky Dog: Why would they celebrate a spring breakin'? that's the saddest time for me.

Woody: Oh, Slink.

Buzz Lightyear: Silly canine.

Mr. Potato Head: What a freakin' jerk.

Rex: Andy's here!

(All the toys line up for Andy's arrival)

Sarge: All right ladies, single file front and center, commander in chief on the premises.

Soldier: You mean Obama?

Sarge: He's not my president.

(Andy comes in carrying and kissing his girlfriend, Andy then kicks Slinky aside making him hit against the wall, possibly breaking him and he dies)

Slinky Dog: Tell my story!!!

Woody: Etch, what's going on up there?

(Etch draws a diagram, of what appears to be intercourse, the toys are grossed out, Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body making his eyes pop out)

Buzz Lightyear: You gotta help that girl Sarge.

Sarge: She won't stop screaming!, What does "[bleep] my [bleep] box dry" even mean?!

Andy Davis: This is awesome! (continues kissing)

(Rex looks nervous up on the bed and gets a used condom on his face, he tries to run but smacks into a table)

(Andy searches in his box)

Andy Davis: Aw, dammit!, I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.

Woody (gasps): His favorite toy?!

Andy: Time to improvise. (he picks up Buzz)

Woody: What's he doing with Buzz?

(Andy turns Buzz into a bong)

Andy: Yes! And ready for a test drive.

(Bubbling sounds, inhaling)

Mr. Potato Head: He didn't. Not Buzz!

Andy (exhaling): To infinity and beyond!, Domino, mother [bleep]. (laughs), Buzzed by Buzz!

(Andy puts down Buzz. Half of his head is gone and smoke is coming out from the head and from a pipe)

Woody: Buzz? You ok?

Buzz Lightyear (goofy voice): Hello, Woody!, Do you know what my daddy did?, Poop. HE POOPED!, Boop-de-doop doop boop, Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants.

Woody: It's ok pal, we are here for ya.

(Woody lies down Buzz in a bed)

Buzz Lightyear: And the farmer, he hauls... Another load away!, Bye, load! Bye, load!

Woody (cries): Goodnight, sweet prince.

Buzz Lightyear: We gonna play tomorrow?

Woody: You bet pal, you bet.

Buzz Lightyear: To infinity...

(Woody then takes a pillow and presses it on Buzz's head, Buzz tries to get the pillow off his head, but to no use, he soon chokes and dies because he didn't get air under the pillow)

Woody: ...And beyond (cries)

(Garfield, Jon Arbuckle and Dr. Liz Wilson are at the vet. Garfield is on the checkup table with Jon next to him and Liz is holding a paperboard with Garfield's results.)

Liz: Garfield, we have some bad news.

Garfield: Aw, someone got a case of the Mondays?

Liz: You have type-two diabetes.

Jon: Oh, Garfield! Your love of lasagna was your undoing!

Liz: Actually, his astoundingly irresponsible owner was his undoing.

Jon: Whoa. Garfield plays by his own rules, Liz.

Liz: We need to remove all four feet.

Garfield (Worried): What? Hands too?

Liz: You don't have hands, Garfield. You're not people. You're a pet with no job or income who somehow manage to consume enormous quantities of Italian cuisine year after year.

Jon (Sighs): How much is this going to cost?

Liz: Oh, about $2,200.

Jon: Uh, no. No.

Garfield (Upset): Jon?

Liz: You did this to him!

Jon: That's like a used car, man! I can't drop that kind of cash into a thirteen year old cat! Uh-uh, no. Nooo. Negatory, good buddy. Not giving you- no.

(Garfield's tombstone that reads "R.I.P. Garfield. Hated Mondays" is seen outside Jon's house pans to the inside of the house to see Jon with his hands behind his back and Garfield II sitting on the table.)

Jon: What's it gonna be, Garfield II?

(Jon pulls out dried food in his left hand.)

Jon: Dried food? Or...

(Pulls out a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in his right hand.)

Jon: Spaghetti and meatballs?

(Jon puts the spaghetti and meatballs behind his back and shakes the bag of dried food in front of Garfield II. Garfield II raises his paw and meows.)

Jon: Excellent. I knew you'd make the right choice.

(Jon drops the dried food and gives Garfield II the spaghetti and meatballs.)

Sketch Ends.

Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6]

Tarzan: Tarzan love Jane.

Jane: I love you too Tarz--

Tarzan: But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.

Red Gummy Bear: Hello, Yellow!

Yellow Gummy Bear: Herro!

Doug: So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?

Man: We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA.

[a shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

[The humping robot starts humping the flatscreen TV but the TV ends up falling on the floor and its glass breaks]

Father: [in kitchen] Hey, what's that? Who's there?

[The humping robot walks off and then places baby Alfonse near the broken TV, then walks off. The father comes in]

Father: Dammit, Alfonse! That's coming out of your college fund.

[Alfonse starts crying, then a screen pops up saying "Alfonse would never attend college"]

Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7]

(Peter Parker is about to eat is cereal, then his spider sense tingles)

Peter Parker: My spider sense is tingling, but why, is it the green goblin? The lizard? Aunt May having another stroke? (nothing bad happens) nothing!! Okay.

(peter eats his cereal and spits it out)

Peter: The milk went bad! Umm... thanks spider sense?

(Peter walks by then his spider sense tingles)

Peter: Uh oh! spider sense tingling

(Scene shows three children walking by near a construction site)

Peter: oh no! those kids!

(Peter step in a puddle and his spider sense fades)

Peter: you tingled me over a puddle?!

(peter walks off stepping in puddles and his spider sense tingling at the same time, scene cuts to him and Mary jane about to have sex)

Mary Jane: Face it tiger (takes shirt off) your gonna get laid

Peter: Yes! after tonight, the Vulture can't call me a virgin ever again!

(spider sense tingles)

Peter: No no, shoo shoo come on let another part of me tingle for once (he gets a boner) uh oh

(spider sense fades, Peter starts crying, scene cuts to him as spiderman swinging through the sky, his spider sense tingles)

Peter: Be more specific, of course i'm in danger i'm 100's of feet abouve Manha-

(Peter hits a building, scene cuts to a hospital, the doctor is feeling his ankle, spider sense tingles)

Peter: Whatever

Doctor: Well mr parker it looks like you broke your ankle, (spider sense fades) also x rays show a tumor at the base of your skull that is for lack of a better word tingle

Peter: Remove it! Remove it now!

(spider sense tingles rapidly, peter is shown dead)

Doctor: Time of death 3:47 PM

(At the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob SquarePants opens the kitchen door.)

Spongebob: Krabby Patties are made out of crab!

Customers: (Gasp)

Green Fish: (Retches, spits)

Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.

Spongebob: Then explain this! (Holds out box of crab legs) You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! (Holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose")

Mr. Krabs: You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!

Spongebob: And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!

Squidward: (Throws up)

Spongebob: And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!

Yellow Fish: (Pushes bowl out of reach)

Customers: (Get up and form around Mr. Krabs)

Green Fish: You fed us to us!

Orange Fish: Are we paying you to kill us?

Spongebob: You're disgusting.

Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last downest man in Bikini Bottom. We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.

Customers: (Beat up Mr. Krabs)

Spongebob: (Sighs) I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.

(At a hospital. A fat, likely pregnant man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side.)

Nurse: Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done.

(Begins scrubbing with a sponge)

Spongebob: (Pushes scene aside) I SAID, NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!

Nurse: Uggh... I hope that's pudding in there...

[Ernest opens the windows and sniffs the air]

Ernest: Aah, a wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and...

[Ernest suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger]

Ernest: Oh, then I live to see this day.

[He pulls out a horn and blows it. The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor.]

Keebler soldier: [nervously] Are you Ernest?

Ernest: Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.

Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp]

Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp again]

Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!

Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[Ernest runs off]

Ernest: I owed him overtime.

Keebler elf: Bu-bu-but you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

[Cookie Monster chases them both]

Cookie Monster: Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!!

[Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times]

Cookie Monster: Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

Keebler elf: I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted to make cookies!

Keebler elf: I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

[Cookie Monster crashes throught the door]

Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!!

[He grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, Cookie Monster screams, the elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Keebler elf: Now, give the monster what he wants!

Keebler elf: Diabetes?

Keebler elf: Good common on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]

Keebler elf: Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit!

[Buckets laughs]

Keebler elf: Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [Chuckles] Fudge.

Cookie Monster: [Through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheer.]

[We cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing.]

Cookie Monster's mommy: They know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.

Lawyer: It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!

Judge Brown: Order please! Order! The court fines in favour of Keebler, Inc. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Cookie Monster's mommy: Me son is dead and you make pun?! Me kill you! Me f**king kill you!!

[She eats Judge Brown's head. Two police officers step in and shoot her.]

Schindler's Bucket List [5.8]

Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.

Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die!

(The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals.)

Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Steve Martin: The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want. He makes me like-

Miss Piggy (interrupting): Oh, are we burying him in Missippian?

(Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin.)

Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died-

Steve Martin (interrupting): Excuse me?

Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?

Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the s*** outta your mouth?!

Kermit: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vow never to talk about that night.

Fozzie: And then the dam says, "the aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!

Hooded Killer: Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?

Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger.

Hooded Killer: Because he was embarrassed!

Fozzie: Wocka wocka.

Hooded Killer: Then how about this? Because I f***ing stabbed him!

Fozzie: What a show stopper...

Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight.

(Statler and Waldorf laugh)

Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?

Waldorf: You're an ambulance.

(Statler and Waldorf laugh again)

(Wheels Squeaking)

Kermit: First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did?

Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermy.

Kermit: Oh, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a date to the why!

(Scooter is carrying props.)

Kermit: Oh hey, uh, Scooter?

Scooter: Oh! Hey there, boss.

Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death.

Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident.

Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.

Kermit ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Let’s play "The Little Mermaid"!

Fozzie ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality. Wocka wocka!

Scooter ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Hold on! Let me grab my floaties.

Skeeter ('Muppet Babies' parody version): What a nerd.

Piggy ('Muppet Babies' parody version): (clears throat) Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".

Skeeter ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Mermaids aren’t fat! (Smack!)

Kermit ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk the way.

(Smacking Sounds)

Fozzie ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Nanny! Skeeter’s hitting us again!

Kermit ('Muppet Babies' parody version): Yeah, who's the homo now?

(More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.)

Kermit ('Muppet Babies' parody version): If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever.

(All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.)

All Muppet Babies parody characters: Nanny?!

Scooter: You killed my sister?

Kermit: It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. And we found Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge!

Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…

(Scooter becomes Skeeter, and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear.)

Scooter/Skeeter: (attacks Kermit) Fifteen seconds till your death!

Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! (she misses) Wuh!

Scooter/Skeeter: Here it comes. Showtime!

(Camilla clucks)

(Subtitle: "Get away from her, you bitch!")

Scooter/Skeeter: You can’t shoot me. Chickens don’t even have fingers.

(Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head.)

Scooter/Skeeter: Oooooooooh!

Steve Martin (chuckling): It never gets old.

THE END

No Country For Old Dogs [5.9]

Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10]

Robot Chicken: Star Wars

Intro Text: Not long ago in a galaxy not far enough away...
Stormtrooper: [Luke Skywalker slices off a trap door on the bottom of an AT-AT Walker and tosses a grenade inside of it; the Stormtrooper is sitting on a toilet with a Playboy magazine] What in the [bleep] is... [the grenade sets off, sending the AT-AT to the ground in a static explosion]
Emperor Palpatine: [snickering, while talking with two guests] So, I threw the senate at him - the whole senate! True story!
Guest 1: Oh, my God! That is so funny!
Guest 2: [chuckling, while drinking milk from a carton] You made it come out of my nose!
Emperor Palpatine: [laughs; phone beeps; presses a button] Go for Papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from:
Darth Vader: [breathing] ...Darth Vader.
Emperor Palpatine: Eh... I gotta take this, hold on. [picks up phone] Vader! How's my favorite Sith? [pause] Whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa. Whoa. Just slow down. Huh? What do you mean they, "blew up the Death Star"? [pause; bleep] Oh, [bleep; bleep; bleep]! Oh, who's "they"?! [pause] What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [sighs] Ok. Ok. S-so, who's left? [pause] Are you [bleep]ing me?! Well, where are you?! Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Uggh, you must smell like... feet, wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon! [pause] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry, I thought my dark lord of the Sith could protect a small, thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have, do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit? [phone beeps] Uggh, hang on, I got another call. [to other caller] What?! I'm very busy right now! [pause; calm] Oh... oh, well... well, where are they going? [pause] Oh, all right. Umm... just get me a.. turkey club. [pause] Uh... coleslaw, I guess. I'm, I'm not even going to eat it. Wha-what, what're you getting? Yeah, see, I, uh, always order the wrong thing. Naw, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Ok, bye -- wh-what? [pause] Oh, uh, cherry Coke. Thanks. [switches back to Darth Vader] Sorry about that. [sighs; pause] What? Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"?! Oh, tha--, real, real [bleep]ing original! And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?! You, you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?! Now, get your seven-foot two asthmatic ass back here or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Pada-mam-ay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name is! [pause; covers phone with hand; whispering to guests] Oh, geez, he's crying! [snickers; back to Darth Vader] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... c'mon... c'mon, don't do that. Just... just... ah, look, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now - the Death Star blown up by a bunch of [bleep]ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. [pause; does a "wanker" hand motion] Oh, oh, just, just get back here. Okay... okay. Bye, ah... I... [pause; whispers into phone] I love you, too. [hangs up]
[inside the Mos Eisley Cantina]
Bartender: What'll it be, pal?
Jawa: [high-pitched voice] Martini!
Janitor: [on Naboo; whistling; Darth Maul's upper and lower torso fall in front of him as he's sweeping] Oh, gee-- oh, my God! [sweeps it away] ...I gotta get that transfer to Coruscant.
Boy: [at breakfast table with his sister] Ugh, I guess we have to eat this boring oatmeal.
Admiral Ackbar: [bursts into the room and smacks the oatmeal bowls off the table] It's a trap!
Boy & Girl: Wow! Admiral Ackbar! [Admiral Ackbar takes out a box of Admiral Ackbar Cereal] Wow! Admiral Ackbar Cereal! [Admiral Ackbar pours the cereal into new cereal bowls]
Boy: Colorful marshmallows!
Girl: Imitation crab meat!
Admiral Ackbar: Your tongues can't repel flavor of that magnitude!
Girl: There's a prize in every box! [pours more cereal into the bowl as a blue flop falls out; children then look into the hall as Admiral Ackbar does a moonwalk]
Narrator: Admiral Ackbar Cereal! Now, with brine shrimp!
Ponda Baba: [in Ponda Baba's bedroom; wakes up and speaks in his native tongue -- Ponda Baba grumbles in a deep, intimidating and incoherent voice] [subtitles] Today's gonna be great! I can already tell! [takes a shower; eats Admiral Ackbar Cereal while reading the back of the cereal box; brushes teeth; walks outside with a brown briefcase] [subtitles] Today's the day I get that promotion!
[at work]
Dr. Evazan: Wazuuuup, Ponda!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Wazuuuup, Evazan!
Dr. Evazan: Let's bust out early and hit that new cantina across the street!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I really shouldn't-
Dr. Evazan: C'mooon! One drink ain't gonna kill ya!
[at the Mos Eisley Cantina]
Dr. Evazan: --like I'm really gonna eat of bananas after that?!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Ha, ha, ha! You are so funny, man!
[ Luke Skywalker takes a seat besides Ponda Baba and accidentally bumps into his shoulder; Ponda gets his attention by pushing him on the shoulder. He then speaks to him but Luke is completely oblivious to what Ponda is saying]
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I love your hair! Where do you get it done?
[Luke turns away; Evazan gets his attention by tapping him on the shoulder]
Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] That's not what I said!
Luke Skywalker: Sorry. [turns away again; Evazan pushes Luke's shoulder]
Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You better watch yourself. We're wanted men.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] What?
Dr. Evazan: I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.
Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!
Ponda Baba: [shoves Evazan away; shakes Luke by the shoulders] Hey! I'm really sorry about my friend, man. He's had way too much to drink-
[ Ben Kenobi severs Ponda Baba's arm with a lightsaber]
Ponda Baba: AAAGGGHHHHHH!!
[at work again]
Manager: Gee, Ponda. I just don't see how you can keep designing with no drawing arm.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] But I'm ambidextrous. See? [lifts up a picture of an incredible poorly drawn house and flower]
Manager: I'm sorry, but we have to let you go. [walks away]
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Dang it!
[ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside the metal detector]
C-3PO: Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!
Qui-Gon Jinn: [slicing through a steel door with a lightsaber; to Obi-Wan Kenobi] It's almost open, hold onto this. [puts his arm out with his lightsaber and lets go, thinking Obi-Wan has it -- Obi-Wan drops his own lightsaber while trying to catch Qui-Gon's but fails as both lightsabers saw straight through several floors below]
Random Workers Below: Whoa, coming through! -- The wall's on fire! -- Get a first-aid kit! -- [elephant trumpets] -- Whoa, what was that?! -- That looked like a lightsaber! -- This is my first day! -- [car alarm sets off]
[an officer walks in on Darth Vader getting his helmet placed onto his head by a machine -- the machine accidentally clings to Vader's head and lifts him up as he wiggles a little]
Darth Vader: What the?! ...Little help?
Imperial Officer: Welcome to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us! Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.
[Commander Winston walks over]
Imperial Officer: Commander Winston here will assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache... [Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs; Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old man's beard] Good man!
[the Death Star implodes as Luke Skywalker flies away in an aircraft]
Luke Skywalker: Yeeah! This is awesome! R2, patch me through! I wanna call Uncle Owen and Aunt... [remembers that they're dead] ooh.
Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!
George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?
Nerd: I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]
George Lucas: Uhhh... hm.
Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you -- you invented Tauntauns!
George Lucas: Well, that's uh.. that's very interesting--
Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!
George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh... nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...
Star Wars Fan #1: [screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!
George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]
Star Wars Fan #2: I love you! Give me a baby!
Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!
George: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...
Nerd: [begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!
George: Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]
Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!
[scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]
Old Nerd: ...And that was the greatest day of my whole life.
Grandson: What about when I was born?
Old Nerd: Not even close.
Luke Skywalker: [with a helmet on next to Ben Kenobi] But with the flash shield down, I can't even see! Aw, how am I supposed to fight? [Ben waves his hand in front of the helmet, seeing that Luke really can't see anything; he then knees him in the crotch] Oooh! [falls and then gets back up, swinging his lightsaber around; Kenobi knees him again] Oooh!
Space Slug #1: [emerges from a burrowed tunnel and attempts to devour the Millennium Falcon but misses; in an Cockney accent] Aww! Damn it!
Space Slug #2: [emerges from a tunnel right beside the other space slug; also, in a Cockney accent] Wuh, what is it?
Space Slug #1: I never get a spaceship! Never! I never get anything!
Space Slug #2: Should we order some Chinese food?
Space Slug #1: [whisper] I dunno... I guess.
Space Slug #2: I'll get some Chinese. [submerges into the hole and reappears with a headset on, dialing a number] Uh, hello, yeah, can we get, um... [to first space slug] what do you think? Five million tons of Kung Pao Chicken?
Space Slug #1: That's good.
Space Slug #2: [back to phone] Yeah, three million pot stickers, and, uh, one order of scallion pancakes and uh--
Space Slug #1: Oh, het some fried rice.
Space Slug #2: Oh, yeah, five million tons of fried rice. Um, cash or charge? It's um... hold on. [to first space slug] We're just gonna gobble him up when he gets here, right?
Space Slug #1: Yeah, 'course.
Space Slug #2: Ok, it's cash, then.
Mace Windu: [on Coruscant; off-screen] Aaah! That mother...! [falls in front of the janitor as he's sweeping]
Janitor: [sighs] I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star.

{Note: This is also part of the Massage Chair episode}

[at the doctor's office]
Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals all check out fine. There is just one thing - your midi-chlorian count is extraordinarily high.
George W. Bush: Does that mean that I'm one of them... what ah, whatcha call 'em... Jedis? [thinks; pulls down the doctor's pants with the Force; snickers]
[in bed, next to Laura Bush; George runs his hand up and down the side of Laura]
Laura Bush: Oooh, not tonight. I'm tired, honey.
George W. Bush: You're not tired; you want to have a threesome!
Laura Bush: [under mind control] I'm not tired; I want to have a threesome.
George W. Bush: [smiles and picks up phone] Get me Condi! [snickers]
[at a McDonalds; Bill Clinton pulls up in front of George's black SUV in the drive-thru in his red Corvette]
Bill Clinton: Oh, sorry, Dubyuh! Big Mac attack! Yeeeee-whoooo!
[George uses the Force to lift Bill Clinton's car into the air, then drops it into a pond near McDonalds]
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey! Whoa! What the dilly?!
George W. Bush: [parks in Bill Clinton's parking space; snickers]
[at the Lincoln Memorial; George W. Bush carves "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial with a lightsaber]
George W. Bush: [snickers] Saber beats rock. [gasps] What the hell?!
[the Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]
Abraham Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
George W. Bush: Who dares question my... daring... of.. his.. dare? ...Jerk!
Abraham Lincoln: It is I who freed the slaves! I who indited--
George W. Bush: Boooriiing. Let's fight!
[Abraham Lincoln takes out a red lightsaber and begins to battle George W. until he finds himself cornered in the National Mall]
Abraham Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become -- wait a minute, let me finish! Arrgghh!
George W. Bush: [attacks Abraham Lincoln with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with the saber, excluding his clothes] That'll teach you, George Washington!
[at the Death Star]
George W. Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna Bush: That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [gives George the finger]
George W. Bush: You little! [severs Jenna's middle finger off with a lightsaber]
Jenna Bush: Owwww! [falls off ledge]
George W. Bush: Oh, no! Baby, I-I'm sorry!
Jenna Bush: [slowly fades out as she falls] Ahhhhhh! You suck!
George W. Bush: Nnnoooooooooo--
[George wakes up in the White House Oval office]
George W. Bush: [snores] What?! Who? Was it just a dream...?
Executive: Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction.
George W. Bush: [waves two fingers, thinking he still has the power of Jedi mind control] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Executive: Uhhh... hi. We haven't.
George W. Bush: [still waving fingers] You have.
Executive: [sighs] I don't know what you're doing.
George W. Bush: [waves fingers faster] Bring me a taco.
Executive: Yes, sir. [runs to get a taco]
George W. Bush: [snickers] Tacos rule.
Weather Reporter: Cloud City will be cloudy this evening, followed by clouds.
[ Han Solo hacks open a dead Tauntaun's stomach with a lightsaber; a homeless man emerges from the wound with a beer bottle in hand]
Bum: Get your own Tauntaun!
[at the Death Star]
Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
Luke Skywalker: [chuckle; whisper] Faith in yo' mama.
Emperor Palpatine: What was that?!
Luke Skywalker: I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"
Emperor Palpatine: Well, your mother's so ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!
Darth Vader: Aww, yo' mama fight!
[Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she spent all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a point]
Crowd: Oooohh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon, [gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a point from Vader]
Crowd: Ohhh!
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so dumb, she thought Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"! [Vader gives Luke another point]
Crowd: Oooh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid, she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes his head in disgrace]
Guy in Crowd: Huh? I don't get it.
Emperor Palpatine: It's "lite"... like, it's "lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your mother is. [does not earn a point]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another point]
[the crowd cheers]
Luke Skywalker: And Luke wins!
[Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and walks him over to a ledge]
Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? Wh-what are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!
[at the Death Star]
Emperor Palpatine: --AARRGGHH!! [lands in front of the janitor while he's sweeping]
Janitor: Oh, come on! [pause; sweeps away Palpatine's corpse] What are they doing up there all the time?
[in the prisoner control room; Luke Skywalker, Han Solo (both dressed as Stormtroopers), and Chewbacca gun down multiple Stormtroopers]
Stormtrooper Officer: [on a communication panel] What's happened up there?
Han Solo: [takes off helmet and sits next to the communication panel] Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's perfectly all right now! We're.. fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?
Stormtrooper Officer: We're sending a squad up.
Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative! We have a reactor leak here, now. Give us a minute to lock it down! Large leak; very dangerous.
Stormtrooper Officer: There's no reactor on that floor.
Han Solo: Yes, well... [picks up a yellow book and cycles through it] I talked to... Dave.. Johnson? In Stormtrooper Engineering, and he said there is a reactor here!
Stormtrooper Officer: Dave Johnson? Hang on one sec... ok, I have Dave Johnson on the line, Dave! Did you tell someone there's a reactor in the prisoner control room?
Dave Johnson: Uhh, no. No, no, there's no reactor there.
Han Solo: Well, I don't know what to tell ya, but I'm staring straight at a reactor! Maybe Vader had it installed yesterday.
Stormtrooper Officer: Hang on a second.
Darth Vader: [breathing; Han Solo reacts frightened from hearing his voice; Chewbacca does a barrel-roll and comes into view, aiming his crossbow around at random things; Han Solo then says, "shhh!" and cues that there are people talking on the communication panel; Chewbacca makes a small roar and makes a "shh" gesture his hand as they both listen carefully] What do you want?
Stormtrooper Officer: Lord Vader, did you install a reactor in the prisoner control room?
Darth Vader: Umm... not that I know of. Hang on one second. Sheila, can you get me the plans to the Death Star? Okie-dokie. Uhh... the plans here, let me have a look... buh, buh, buh, buh... reactor, reactor, reactor... [Han Solo looks at Chewbacca; Chewbacca shrugs, looks around briefly, and then points to the elevator as if there are Stormtroopers coming; Han Solo looks over and Chewbacca sneaks away; Han Solo looks back to where Chewbacca was and shrugs, leaning onto the communication panel in boredom] boo, boo, boo... no reactor that I can see, but might as well put one in; there's always room for another reactor.
Stormtrooper Officer: We'll send a team up to build a new reactor.
Han Solo: Uh, no, no! Nooot necessary! We've got it under control! [takes out his blaster and shoots the communication panel] Boring conversation, anyway. Ok, let's build this reactor!
Darth Vader: Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.
Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks away]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!
Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...
Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape] These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!
Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar, it is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.
Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!
Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]
Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!
[a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever]
[afterwards]
Darth Vader: [in bed; sighs, then chuckles maniacally]
[Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!
Guy on Intercom: [a stripper leaves the stage and three others come out, grinding onto a stripper pole; Luke Skywalker grins and leaves money on the stage] And Toshi Station is proud to present the Powerrr Converterrrrs! Oh, yeah!
Boba Fett: [talking to a carbonite-frozen Han Solo] Heeey! Mr. Solo! Heh-heh, solo on the rocks! You can't beat me, I'm Boba Fett, I'm the greatest bounty hunter ever! [quickly draws a blaster at Solo] Ah-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow! Haha, yeah! What's that, Solo? Oh, blasters aren't fair? Okay, dig it! [sheaths blaster] No blasters. Oh, ho, ah! [quickly whips out blaster and points it at Solo's face] Didn't see that one comin', did ya? Huh? So slow! Ah, you thought I was over there, but guess what, WHAA! Huh, huh, huh! [somersaults to another place off-screen; pops up and sticks blaster in Solo's face] O-hohoho-ver here! Ah-yaw-aww! [throws blaster on the floor] A little rope-a-dope, little rope-a-dope, ha? [punches the air] Haa, left, right, left, right! Ohhh-hohohohooo! Down goes Solo... [bends over and breathes heavily] ...Huh? [breathes] What's that? What, you wanna face-to-face? Well, lemme just take this bad boy off. [grunts; takes helmet off] Ohh, he's even better lookin' without the helmet! Surprise ending. Huh, wha-, you want me to come closer? [whisper] Oh, you don't wanna fight anymore? [touches Solo's hands] Oh, your hands are up there almost like you're beggin'... beggin' for a little piece of Boba... [begins stroking Solo's hand] Yeah, ya like that, don't ya? [strokes Solo's lips] You like it, 'cause you're bad... oh, yeah... you dirty, little smuggler...
Chewbacca: [goes to comb hair in the mirror, but then realizes it looks good just the way it is; happily] Grraawww!
Darth Vader: Turn to the Dark side and join me.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you! You killed my father!
Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your father!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's impossible!
Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's... improbable!
Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
Luke Skywalker: That's... [scoffs] very unlikely...
Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!
Luke Skywalker: Mhm.
[later]
Darth Vader: [with a cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.
Luke Skywalker: [flicks away cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [walks away]
Emperor Palpatine: [to Luke Skywalker along with Darth Vader] As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have-- [Palpatine is interrupted by a hammering noise; pauses] --your friends have failed! Now-- [hammering and whirring noises interrupt Palpatine again; pauses] --now, witness the firepower of this fully-- [loud whirring and hammering; Palpatine's voice is highly drowned out] --fully armed and operational station-- oh, come on! [Palpatine walks over to a bunch of construction workers continuing to build the Death Star II, and tries to get their attention, his voice being highly drowned out from drill whirring and hammering] Hey, fellas! Excuse me! Excuse me! [Palpatine taps one worker on the shoulder, who completely haults all the other workers into silence] Eh-hey, the Force is strong with this one, eh? Whaddaya, whaddaya got there, a latte? You have the hazelnut macchiato? Change your life! [all the construction workers cross their arms] ...Aaanywho! Tony, right?
Ray: Ray.
Emperor Palpatine: Ray! Sorry, sorry. I get... I get mixed up. Who's, who's, who's Tony? [silence] Anyway, I, I hate to interrupt, I know you're very busy -- is there anyway you could finish this area... you know, later? I'm, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Ray: Ugh. Look, Mr. Saltine, I don't tell you how to... threaten your blond kids so, why don't you go back over there to your sit-and-spin and let me do my job?
Emperor Palpatine: Okay, okay, copy that. Good talk. [clicks tongue and walks back over to Luke and Darth Vader] They'll, eh, they'll, they'll just be a little longer. I, I... I told 'em to stop but, you know, ehh... "no-speak-oh mininum-wage-oh". Heh-heh-heh! So, so, so, where was I? Oh, right, right. [angry] Now, witness the firepower-- [construction noises completely mute out the Emperor; Luke and Vader look at each other; Vader shrugs]
[on the planet Cloud City, Lobot dances around its empty corridors to Meco's disco remix of the Star Wars theme, almost as if it were an ice rink]
Hyper Narrator: Jabba the Hutt's hottest singer was blown to smithereens, but his rock 'n roll will never die! Presenting "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", including: "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?"
Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically, but incoherently]
[other songs scroll by the screen including, "It's Not Easy Being Blue", "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?", and "I'm Not Afraid of Mice, Baby"]
Hyper Narrator: "Ohh, I Have an Average Memory"!
Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically again]
[more songs scroll by including, "I Have Fingers, Elephants Don't", "Ooh, I Have an Average Memory", "You Know What They Say About Big Ears", "Definitely Not an Elephant", and "Junk in My Trunk"]
Hyper Narrator: And his Grammy Award-winning single, "I Already Told You I'm Not an Elephant"!
Max Rebo: [mumbles]
[more songs scroll by including, "There is No Elephant in the Room, Because I'm Not an Elephant, Mama", and "I Sleep Lying Down, Girl"]
Hyper Narrator: And his famous duet with *NSYNC's Joey Fatone!
Joey Fatone: [Max Rebo mumbles in the background with Joey; singing] Neither of us is an elephant!
Hyper Narrator: [explosion] "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", the guy who looks like a blue elephant! Order now!
[a band plays intro music to "Mid-Nite with Zuckuss"]
Zuckuss: [chops at the air] Hyah, hyah, hyah! Ho-ho-kay everybody! Welcome back to the show! We have a surprise guest tonight, I wasn't really expecting this, Emperor Palpatine is here! [an impersonated Emperor Palpatine appears in Synchro-Vox]
Emperor Palpatine: Silence! Fear me! [crowd laughs]
Zuckuss: So, tell me, your highness. How do you plan on putting down this "Rebellion" everyone's talking about?
Emperor Palpatine: By shooting it with lightning! [crowd laughs] That's how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards, I shall eat pudding. [crowd laughs again]
Zuckuss: [chuckles] Okay, right! But seriously, the Rebels have already caused major disruptions--
Emperor Palpatine: I'll show you a major disruption! [mumbling laughter] A major disruption in my adult undergarments! [crowd laughs]
Zuckuss: Ahhh, chh, okay!
Emperor Palpatine: Now, can we get out of here? Seriously, Francis, it's time for my soap operas.
Zuckuss: It's Zuckuss.
Emperor Palpatine: [retracts off the screen] Peace out, fly-face! Fear meee!
Zuckuss: Okay, ah, that was fun! Haha, it's time to bring out our next guest, the Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader! [a miniature Darth Vader comes hopping out to comical music, swiping his lightsaber around; Zuckuss holds his head to stop him from coming closer] Whoahohoho, easy! You could hurt someone with that! [crowd laughs; Zuckuss takes the lightsaber and tosses it aside] Whoa, easy boy, easy boy! Ah-haha, well, that's our show tonight! Stay tuned for late night talk with Sinbad! [the Death Star floats into view out the studio window behind Zuckuss and briefly charges up a green beam, then shoots Zuckuss at the back of the head; the screen goes stand-by]
Technical Message: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY
Princess Leia: [in bed with Luke Skywalker] That was so wrong...
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Empire on Ice!
Luke Skywalker: [while on a Tauntaun] The Empire is chasing us, they simply will not cease!
Han Solo: Aw, man! My nuts are freezing, kid, I'm up out this bitch!
Luke & Solo: Peace! [scene changes to Luke on a Tauntaun with a Wampa]
Wampa: I'm the Wampa! I'm the snowman! And I don't take any lip from no man!
Luke Skywalker: But-- [the Wampa slashes Luke's face and drags him away] AAHH! [janitors skate by and clean up Luke's blood as Han Solo and Princess Leia skate out]
Han Solo: [singing in the tune of Princess Leia's theme] I know you want me bad, Princess! I know you're such a flirter!
Princess Leia: Shut up, you scruffy nerf-herder! [slaps Han and skates away as Solo holds his cheek]
C-3PO: [begins to skate around Han with R2; sings in the tune of the Cantina Band] Luke, he hasn't checked in yet, it might be that he is done! His chances of surviving here are ten billion and five to one!
R2-D2: [spins and beeps] [scene changes]
Chewbacca: [skates into view with Han Solo and roars]
Probe: You are so dumb! The Empire's been alerted and here they come! [Han Solo shoots the probe; scene changes to all the previous cast of "Empire on Ice" skating into view, along with robed Stormtroopers and AT-AT Walkers; in the tune of "The Imperial March"]
All: Empire on ice! Empire on ice! Here we are, the Empire on ice! All those Rebels will pay a big price! Vader's - not nice, and the Tauntaun - get's sliced, and Chewbacca - has lice, the Empire on ice! Empire on ice! [the Wampa begins to spin around for a long time on the toe of his skates] Empire on iiiiice! [the Wampa stops and rests on one knee, raising his arms while breathing heavily]
Darth Vader: [breathing]
Jar-Jar Binks: [next to Vader, who's sitting up in his bed] Eehhh-yaa-hah-hahhh! [hops and jumps around] Ani, yeeeah! Yeeeeaaah!

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II

[a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]
Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?
Gary: [sighs] No one actually does that.
Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away; the camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]
[at a Rebel Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards]
Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!
Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!
Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.
Darth Vader: Who is this little girl?
Gary: Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.
Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?
Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]
Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.
[scene change to Tatooine]
Ben Kenobi: [controlling Gary with Jedi mind control] These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Gary: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Jessica: Yes, they are!
Ben Kenobi: Move along.
Gary: Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides away]
Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!
Gary: Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww-- baby! [runs after]
Stormtrooper: See? That's why I don't bring my daughter to jack [bleep]!
Darth Vader: [kneeling on the floor] What is thy bidding my master?
Emperor Palpatine:My bidding? how about I "bid thee" to stop raming the ship into [bleep]ing asteroid fields?! can you handle that?!
Darth Vader: I'm trying...
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah?, well there is no "try", theirs "Do", and there's [bleep]ing up Royal and you are [bleep]ing up Royal so i'm hiring bounty hunters to do the job. [picks up a phone]
Darth Vader: But..
Emperor Palpatine: No buts, its already ringing. [looks down at Vader] you look so tiny down there, like a little mean...pepper shaker. Sheila, hey, it's Palpatine. Listen, I need you to place an ad for me. "Imperial Emperor seeking Bounty Hunters to...um...to find and locate...yeah, I guess that does mean the same thing, to locate the Millenium Falcon" {pause, he looks back at Vader] she's typing, so all you can see is my head? can you see this? [ Sticks up his middle finger]
Darth Vader: Yes, I...
Emperor Palpatine: [Back on Phone} Nope, I'm here....all right, and be sure to mention some kind of a reward...what?....Oh, I don't know, how much do you think? [Pause] Really?, seems a little high to me....Nope, I see your point, I tell you what, why don't we just say "Substantial Reward" and leave it at that?...Ok, thanks, Sheila...Oh, what?...[Sighs] Sure, what-what's his name?, Dengar?, ok...No, no we'll bring him in first thing in the morning, ok, buh-bye, [hangs up] Sheila's husbands a bounty hunter, I told her we'd give him a look-see, [He crosses his arms ] Bet that knee's starting to hurt.
Darth Vader: Make her tell us the location of the Rebel base.
Dr. Ball: Good God man, I'm a doctor not a savage! This is a flu shot! Good day sir!
Darth Vader: You will make her -
Dr. Ball: I said good day sir!
Dr. Ball: [Padme's death scene in Revenge of the Sith] She's "lost the will to live"? What is your degree in poetry? You sorry bunch of hippies! For God' sake, don't use the billions of dollars of medical equipment around us! Why don't we just get down on our knees and pray!?! We don't have knees, you motherfuckers!
Darth Vader: Welcome my master! The Death Star construction is proceeding...
Emperor Palpatine: [interrupting Vader] Yeah! Great! Fine! Whatever. That flight was a fucking nightmare man. My stupid tray table broke and I ended up with a gallon of coffee in my crotch; it was like dunking my wang in hot lava. Something you have some experience with I guess, huh? Right?
Darth Vader: [shamefully] Yes...
Darth Vader: [pointing to a black suitcase with a white stripe that is passing by Vader and Palpatine on a luggage conveyor belt] Is that yours?
Emperor Palpatine: No! For the hundredth time, that's that same stupid black bag. Mine dosen't have a stripe. It's like that stripey bag is mocking me... Fuck you stripey bag.
Emperor Palpatine: Well, my suitcase is gone; sacrificed to the airport guards. Now I'm here for two fucking weeks with one fucking robe. Ohh! Now it's sticking to me like a wet Kleenex
[at Cloud City]
Lando: I've made a deal that will keep the empire out of our affairs forever.
[door opens to reveal Darth Vader sitting at the head of a table; he rises as Chewbacca roars and Han Solo fires multiple times with his blaster; Vader deflects the blasts and pulls Han's blaster away]
Darth Vader: We'd be honored if you could join us.
[Boba Fett stands by Vader and stormtroopers block the entrance; cutaway to everyone sitting at the table; everyone is silent; Han looks in his glass to see it is empty as a stormtrooper serves more food to Lando; Darth Vader tries to drink out of a glass but can't until a stormtrooper puts in a straw]
Han Solo: [nervously quiet] C-could- can I get a little more water?
Darth Vader: WHAT?
Han Solo:Nothing! [clears throat] I just asked for more water. [a stormtrooper refills his glass]
[Han looks over to Boba who is shaking his head at him, Han is confused, Boba makes a cutting noise across the throat which angers Han, Boba continues mocking Han by shooting a finger gun at Han, Han in response pretends to inflate his middle finger, Boba is not shaken and "cranks" up his own middle finger in response, Han annoyed gives up]
Lando: [breaking the silence] Sooo, how we doin'? Liea, how's the soup? You ever had soup this good?
Princess Liea: Yes...[menacingly at Vader] on Alderaan!
Darth Vader: '{chuckling] Hey, princess, let it gooooooo... [gets a muffin using the force and stands up] [doing a mocking reconstruction of the destruction of Alderaan] "Ohh, help me! 'We're a peaceful planet. You may fire when ready!" [throws crumbs in everyone's faces] BOOOOOOOORRRRAAAARRRR!!!!!! Big Laser! BSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Alderaan chunks everywhere! [chuckles] Psssshhhhhhh....[sits down]
[brief silence]
Han Solo: Anyone uh...Anyone got a joke?
Lando: I got one. Who's got two thumbs, and betrayed his best friend? [no response] [cracking up] [points to himself using his thumbs] THIS GUY! [no response] Uhhhhh...too soon?
Darth Vader: Well...[sighs] it's been a time and a half. But...[sighs again and stretches] lot of torturing to do. Bweep do-da-loop-de-hooo. [sings and walks away accidentally taking the table cloth with him causing all the dishes to crash onto the floor]

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III

Emperor Palpatine: [on Boba Fett] Apparently we're contractually obligated to follow that dumb kid's story too. That's what happens when you sell the most action figures. Thank you, fanboys.
Emperor Palpatine: Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: Thank you, my master.
Emperor Palpatine: Hey, before you go...my face is really warm. Is everything okay up here?
Darth Vader: I...don't know. What do you mean?
[Palpatine removes his hood and smoke billows up. He touches his face but pulls away]
Emperor Palpatine: Ow. Ahh. Ow, my face! It's on fire!
Darth Vader: Well, there...is a possibility that you were fighting Mace Windu, he deflected some of your Force lightning back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: Are you kidding me? How much?
Darth Vader: A lot. I don't think there was one bolt of Force lightning that didn't bounce off Master Windu's lightsaber directly back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: And you just sat there and watched?
Darth Vader: Turning to the Dark Side was a pretty big decision.
Emperor Palpatine: [looking into a mirror] Oh, my God! I look like I have a scrotum for a face! What am I supposed to call myself? Darth Syphilis?! If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could've ruled the galaxy and maybe I could've gotten laid one more time before I die!
Darth Vader: [backing away] I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings.
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, whatever.
Darth Vader: Leather....
Emperor Palpatine: Hear that, my boy gets the finest leather you got.
Darth Vader: Full-body...black leather
Emperor Palpatine: I see what you're going for, kind of an S&M thing
Darth Vader: Oh...and a cape....yeah...a cape would be pretty wizard...and a sweet voice box...and flashing lights...
Emperor Palpatine: Sure
Darth Vader: Built-in helicopter blades.....Remote-control flying fists
Emperor Palpatine: Can we just put this idiot under.

Cast

See also

External links

Wikipedia has an article about: Robot Chicken

 

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Robot Chicken is an American stop motion animated television series created and executive produced by Seth Green and Matthew Senreich along with co-Head Writers Douglas Goldstein and Tom Root. Green provides many voices for the show and Senreich, Goldstein and Root were former writers for the popular action figure hobbyist magazine ToyFare.
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